Don’t Mess With Senior Citizens! – Joke

English: Hotel / Casino New York-New York in L...

English: Hotel / Casino New York-New York in Las Vegas. Français : L’hôtel-Casino New York-New York à Las Vegas, dans le Nevada. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Buckle up, Bitches:

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.

Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.

She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with senior citizens….. They didn’t get there by being stupid.


The Councillor. – Joke

Marriage Day

Marriage Day (Photo credit: Fikra)

From IdleWanderer on Experience Project:

After just a few years of marriage , filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

“What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5…10…15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

Married Life. – Joke


From FB~ Troublemakers:

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to ‘Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin’.

‘What?’ said the puzzled groom.

‘How can that be possible if you’ve been married ten times.?’

‘Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .

Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was … God I miss him.

‘But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited’. ‘Wonderful’, said the husband, ‘but why? To which she replied, ‘You’re with the ‘GOVERNMENT‘ . .. This time I KNOW I’M gonna get SCREWED.

Ladies, Thank You!

Love is a many splendoured thing

Love is a many splendoured thing (Photo credit: stratman2 (away for a while))

I was going for a walk, the other night, by myself. When I passed in front of a restaurant, I glanced an elderly couple and my intuition told me to stop right there and observe. Experience has taught me to always obey, when my little voice tells me something like this.

Try and picture the following: there was a grey-haired lady, sitting on a chair with her hands folded in her lap. I had a side view of her. Beside her was a grey-haired gentleman.. I imagined him to be her husband. He put one arm around her shoulder and cradled her left cheek with his other hand. Next, he lay his cheek on top of her head, closed his eyes and smiled. Can you picture it?

I felt awed and privileged to be allowed to watch this. I also felt a bit like an intruder, but it was in public, sort of. Just think of it, after approximately fifty years of marriage, to do this??! I take of my hat to these people, whoever they are. Love truly is a many splendoured thing!

I miss this, I do, the kissing and the cuddling. If it wasn’t for women, I wouldn’t want to be a man. I mean, what would be the point. Take away women and what’s left would be irrelevant, futile. Therefore, ladies everywhere, thank you for just being you.

A Marriage Made in Heaven. – Joke

Painting of Saint Peter by Peter Paul Rubens d...

Painting of Saint Peter by Peter Paul Rubens depicting the saint as Pope—here shown with the pallium and the Keys to Heaven Magyar: Szent Péter, Peter Paul Rubens portréfestménye a szentről, mint pápáról – a festményen pápai köntösben a mennyország kulcsaival látható. Français : Peinture représentant Saint Pierre, réalisée par Rubens. Elle représente le saint en tant que Pape – vu ici avec le pallium et les clés du Paradis. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Warriorpoett on Experience Project.

On their way to get married, a couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? 

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left. 
The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months. 
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?” 
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. 
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. 


“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. 


“OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?!!”

Technical Support From Husband To Wife – Joke

Old movies husband and wife

Old movies husband and wife (Photo credit: Wikipedia) – I ain’t sayin’ this is them!

from 1petitegreeneyes on Experience Project.

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning, “Windows frozen”.

Husband texts back, “Pour some lukewarm water over it”.

Wife texts back, “Computer completely screwed now”.

Does Romance Endure?

I have witnessed enduring romance, timeless tenderness, eternal passion, and yes, even unceasing lust, in my life and times. I am especially honored by my recollections of one very special elderly couple.  

For several years, I worked in the home of a local elderly couple as a private nurse. I was often staying there over night.  They asked me to spend my “work” nights in a cozy room, just across the hallway from their extra-large, shared bedroom suite. I had a handy-dandy “baby” monitor by my bed.  My job there at night, was to assist the elderly gentleman during the night with his personal care needs and to help the little woman with her own needs, should any arise before dawn. Each night, the short, round, little man was tucked cozily into his full-sized bed on one side of the large room, with his adult diaper on and his oxygen going full blast. He was always happy, always singing me a song before I went to my room for the night, usually a Tony Bennet selection, and always performed with powerful perfection. The short, round, little woman was cozy as well, ensconced in her matching full-sized bed, only a few feet away from her happy, crooner husband. She was ever cheerful, always kind, night after night, year after year.

They both realized that I could hear every breath and every word muttered in their room. Each night, there was the same conversation, mostly, light and airy pillow talk between the two of them, followed by, “I love you darling, I love you too” then, there were more “I love you darlings, and, I love you too’s” Sometimes, he would sing to her until she slept, or they would share happy memories of their children and grandchildren, then, they would giggle in unison from their perspective beds. Sometimes, she would pad across the room and kiss his face or his hands and perhaps gently rub his back for a few moments. He had a habit of caressing her cheek  for long tender moments.

In my room across the hallway, I would sometimes silently shed tears, big fat tears, that would fall on the book that I was reading and leave salty stains.  I wondered if the great-grandchildren would see those stains one day, and wonder at them? The books I read were from their personal library. I would cry because I knew that his time on earth was short, and I fretted over her coming sorrow. Other times, I would smile to myself and marvel at the ever lasting romance that they shared, at the chemistry that was so evident, even though the flesh, the joints, the bones, the organs, were tired and nearly worn out by now.

I sometimes worked day shift as well, and their behavior was much the same during the day time. I would feed him at the table and she would eat her food by his side and cluck over how much or how little he was eating or not eating, he always smiled at her when she did this. He would break out in song sometimes, and she would run to the piano and play for him. Sometimes, they would turn their special music on, and she would dance and push his wheel chair in little zig zags and circles across the room, he would clap his hands and his face would be as pink as a baby boys face. At those times, they didn’t see me at all, they didn’t feel me on this planet. They were in love and there WAS also lust between them, any fool could see this and feel this, it was as real and as raw as it was when they married, back in 1939.

Those were the times when I would wander to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, and stay in there, until the singing, the dancing and the clapping ceased.

They had been very successful financially, they were well-known, hard-working business owners in town. They were both orphaned as toddlers. They were both from poor immigrant families, they had worked their way to the top in every way.  They were well-respected, and highly honored, long time members in good standing of a snooty “country club” that had turned them down repeatedly when they had first applied. (due only to their middle eastern heritage) They had generously supported the local symphony for many years, as they both loved music so dearly. Their large comfortable home was affectionately referred to as the local “United Nations” as they hosted guests from all over the world regularly in their more public days. Their phone rang constantly with well wishers and loving friends, inquiring as to their health and bell being. Their door was open to any and all, even a local homeless woman was welcomed in their home regularly and invited to eat for free at their business, any time the doors were open.

I thought them to be the only perfect family that I had ever known. Their children/grandchildren/greats, were all succesful and caring, their calls and visits came often.  However, I knew that no family was ever THAT perfect, so, one day, after I had known them for a couple of years, in a moment of quiet intimacy between the wife and I, I asked her this question.

“Lilly, tell me, he seems like the perfect man, perfect father, perfect husband, but, was he?” “Was he a work- a-holic who never watched even one of his sons little league games, or was he an abusive drunk until he got sober thirty years ago, or did he cheat on you when he was young and agile?” “Was it you, were you a bitter, neglected, shop-a-holic wife, or a hungry, unfulfilled wife with a wandering eye?” “Were you addicted to pills, or any other deviant thing that is far short of who you both are today?”

The Beautiful, little round woman, looked at me with earnest sable eyes and smiled. “No darling, none of those things, the man never missed one little league game or even a scout meeting, boy or girl, and oh, how he has loved me, she shivered and rolled her eyes.  She went on, “I too, was a loving, happy, hard-working wife and mother who did an awfully lot of volunteer work for cancer research once the children were older and I had retired from the family business.” (She had survived two bouts with cancer and three strokes in her life) “No, there are no dark secrets, no skeletons in the closet, no bitterness, we just worked, played, and loved each other.”  “We adored those three babies that we had, loved them with all of our hearts, but, we never put the children above our shared love, we made one another our first priority, always, and it has worked out fine, don’t you think?” She smiled a radiant smile then, and I bowed my foolish, unbelieving head, and said “yes ma’am, it has indeed.” (they were married sixty-six years at the time of his passing, she is still alive and still quite joyful, she is still living at home at the time of this writing, she is around age 96 now, she is spoiled and adored, and much beloved by her doting family. Last year in fact, I was her traveling companion on a five generational family vacation)