Two Day Course for Men. – Joke

From Helen Bruls-Turin:

Starting shortly!

2-day COURSE FOR MEN. Accessible to males only! Please be advised that due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the lessons, this course will only accept 8 members. The course is spread over 2 days and will comprise the following topics:

Day 1:

Action plan and slide show.

Group discussion.

Practicing with different kinds of hampers (visualisation training).

Driving simulator.

Letting go of the remote: help line and various discussion groups.

Training in looking in the right place, instead of creating havoc by screaming at the top of your lungs. Open forum.

Day 2:

Group discussion and role play.

Powerpoint presentation.

True story of a man who actually tried it.

Debate with a couple of (female) experts.

Practice lessons (in amongst others abstaining from sulking) and role play.

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Personal coaching possible.

Please share, but hurry to subscribe, as first come, first served.


A List of Don’ts for Women!



A List of Don’ts for Women on Bicycles Circa 1895


“Don’t chew gum. Exercise your jaws in private.”

We’ve already seen how the bicycle emancipated women, but it wasn’t exactly a smooth ride. The following list of 41 don’ts for female cyclists was published in 1895 in the newspaper New York World by an author of unknown gender. Equal parts amusing and appalling, the list is the best (or worst, depending on you look at it) thing since the Victorian map of woman’s heart.

    • Don’t be a fright.
    • Don’t faint on the road.
    • Don’t wear a man’s cap.
    • Don’t wear tight garters.
    • Don’t forget your toolbag
    • Don’t attempt a “century.”
    • Don’t coast. It is dangerous.
    • Don’t boast of your long rides.
    • Don’t criticize people’s “legs.”
    • Don’t wear loud hued leggings.
    • Don’t cultivate a “bicycle face.”
    • Don’t refuse assistance up a hill.
    • Don’t wear clothes that don’t fit.

To read more click link up top!

A Preacher’s Ass. – Joke


donkey (Photo credit: All Suggestions Welcome)


FromThe World According to Atlas


Submitted by Lawrence 🙂



A preacher wanted to earn money for the building expansion program of his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey.
The preacher figured he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the race. The next day the donkey came in third. The racing form’s headline the following day read, “Preacher’s Ass Shows.”
The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered him the next day also. The donkey won. The newspaper’s headline read, “Preachers Ass Out in Front.” The bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. Then, the headlines read, “Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass.” This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.
The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent. Next day’s headlines read, ” Nuns Have Best Ass in Town.” The bishop fainted! He informed the nuns to get rid of the animal. So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the paper read, “Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks.”
They buried the bishop the next day. The paper read, “Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop’s Death.”


Paradise Lost! – Joke

Seal of the United States Internal Revenue Ser...

Seal of the United States Internal Revenue Service. The design is the same as the Treasury seal with an IRS inscription. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some very bad news… Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our VISA and MasterCard bills yet?” … “No, sweetheart,” she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?” “Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says. “One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimate check to the IRS this quarter?” he asks. “Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.” Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?” Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”
Get more jokes at “funny jokes & pics “

Famous Last Words! – Joke

An early electric chair. Richeson was executed...

An early electric chair. Richeson was executed in an electric chair on May 21, 1912. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent,” They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell you right now, you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

Get more jokes at “funny jokes & pics “

High School Reunion? – Joke

Morgan Park Academy

Morgan Park Academy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From “funny jokes & pics “

I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however,Ii quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.. After he examined my teeth,I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. ‘Yes. Yes, I did!’ he gleamed with pride. … ‘When did you graduate?’ I asked. He answered, ‘in 1975. Why do you ask?’ ‘You were in my class!’, I exclaimed. He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GREY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-B!TCH asked me: ‘What did you teach??:)


Little Johnny – Joke

The other ice cream cone picture is currently ...

The other ice cream cone picture is currently the most popular one on my flckr account. Here’s a view of the whole sign. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


From “funny jokes & pics “


Teacher: “Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”

Little Johnny: “None.”

Teacher: “Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”

Little Johnny: “None.”

Teacher: “Can you explain that answer?”

Little Johnny: “One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left.”

Teacher: “Well, that isn’t the correct answer, but I like the way you think.”

Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I ask a question?”

Teacher: “Sure.”

Little Johnny: “There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?”

Teacher: “The one sucking the cone.”

Little Johnny: “No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think.”



Sailors – Joke

English: Genie lamp, oil lamp, Aladdin's lamp,...

English: Genie lamp, oil lamp, Aladdin’s lamp, lamp of gin, jin, jinn, Alladin, Aladin (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From  thesower on Experience Project:

Two sailors were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men came across a little lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a genie appeared.
This particular genie, however, stated he could only give one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving too much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean beer.”
The genie, clapped his hands with deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished, only the gentle lapping of the beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After, a long, tension filled moment, he said, ” Good go mate. Now we are going to have to pee in the boat.”

What Is Politics? – Joke

Government spending

Government spending (Photo credit: 401(K) 2013)


From “Funny jokes & pics”


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, meanwhile the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!” 🙂


A Joking Brunette?

Brunette Combing Her Hair

Brunette Combing Her Hair (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The lengths that some people will go to in order to exercise their right to be silly is astounding. A blonde with a twist was spotted in a Murcia shopping street, but the lady in question was actually a brunette, who had paradoxically dyed the hair on her head blonde! It was her tiny mustache and her eyebrows that gave her away. No other tufts were in evidence, which was perhaps fortunate for her and the general public.

Obviously some members of the female populace no longer wish to be appreciated for their brains only, or maybe they think that they´ll have more fun this way. Have they forgotten that having more indiscriminate fun stems from an incapacity to comprehend the basic rule of cause and effect and a whimsical approach to the consequences?

Are they perhaps jealous over the lack of brunette jokes? It may also be that they feel left out, when they notice the increasing obtuseness displayed on the internet and wish to at least appear slightly dimmer than they really are. An insufficient exchange of bodily fluids with members of either sex is probably at the root of this remarkable display. One can only wish for them to get lucky very soon, before more mischief is perpetrated.

The author wishes to point out that he himself was actually blonde as a boy, but he hastens to add that his hair got progressively darker with age. He hopes that any occasional relapse, past, present or future, be overlooked and is eternally grateful that he has finally turned gray.

Wife Rules The Roost. – Joke

English: Portrait of Charlie Chaplin

English: Portrait of Charlie Chaplin (Photo credit: Wikipedia) Just ask Charlie!

From  climber1 on Experience Prohect:

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’
‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’


St. Peter Tempera on wood, 312x105x4, Russian ...

St. Peter Tempera on wood, 312x105x4, Russian Museum, Sankt Petersburg (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Funny Jokes and Pictures :

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.” Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

The Perfect Man. – Joke

English: A London Cabbie. London, UK

English: A London Cabbie. London, UK (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From ronanp on Experience Project:

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said,
“Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian”
Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody’s birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me.
I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out.
But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too.
He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow.
How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian.

He died. I’m married to his fucking widow.”

Blonde Man Jokes!


blond (Photo credit: vistavision)

From Boxersoff4u on Experience Project:

A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.” The blond guy then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

Two blonde men found three grenades, and they decided to take them to a police station. One asked: “What if one explodes before we
get there?” The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the doctor. “No!” he shouts, “this is  her husband!”

A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?” He does, but two weeks later
the dog is still missing. “What did you put in the newspaper ad?” his wife asks. “Here boy!” he replies.

(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do scuba divers always dive backwards off their boats?”
To which the blonde man replies: “If they dived forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

Facebook tests ‘pay to promote post’ tool! – LOL

From BBC Technology. <Click Here!> to read more.

Facebook has started testing a system that lets users pay to highlight or promote posts.

By paying a small fee users can ensure that information they post on the social network is more visible to friends, family and colleagues.

The tests are being carried out among the social network’s users in New Zealand.

Facebook said the goal was to see if users were interested in paying to flag up their information.

Money maker

The tests of the “pay to promote” system were discovered by a Facebook user in Whangarei, reported New Zealand’s news magazine Stuff.

At first, said Stuff, the user thought the offer to pay to promote a post was a con trick.

A Facebook spokesperson confirmed to the BBC the offer was genuine.

“We’re constantly testing new features across the site,” said the spokesperson. “This particular test is simply to gauge people’s interest in this method of sharing with their friends.”

Different methods of highlighting posts were being tested, said the spokesperson. These would see a range of charges being levied to make posts more visible. Comments on the tests suggest the highest price being charged was £1.25 ($2) while others cost 25p or 50p.

Payments could be made via credit card or PayPal.

The spokesperson said some of the methods it was trying out would incur a charge but others would highlight a post for free. The spokesperson would not be drawn on when the test would end or if it would be tried in other territories.

Note from Ralphie:

So, you can now pay Facebook to “highlight” the stuff you post for your friends, family and colleagues, who are getting it anyway(in New Zealand at least)! That’s good to know… In the same vein, I think I’ll get a beeper, to notify me when my mobile is ringing!!!

scenes for a marriage ….. sven and lena, part 1

Safety helmet, very sensible!!


Sven was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
Sven hurriedly dressed and told his mistress to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
– Where have you been? Lena asked demanded.
– I can’t lie to you,’ Sven replied
– I’m having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon.’
Lena looked down at his shoes and said:
-You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’

Photos provided by and thanks to:

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Some Doubtful Certainties.

Doubtful Hope, oil painting by British artist ...

Doubtful Hope, oil painting by British artist Frank Holl (1875) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  • The naughty nature of my early years was exhausting, but well worth the effort!
  • My formative years were largely a waste of time. I’m trying to forget them!
  • Rules and regulations: the obstruction of the natural flow of life, to the enjoyment of none, for the benefit of the few!
  • Law: that necessary stuff to keep the poor in check!
  • Hypocrisy: that unstoppable urge to tell others not to imitate oneself.
  • Righteousness: that blissful certainty that others are always in the wrong.
  • Doubt: that happy time before you take the wrong decision.
  • Envy: when you have a good thing, but wish that others should have nothing!
  • Irony: that glorious satisfaction you get, when a good plan comes together.
  • Hope: happy memories of the future.
  • Sarcasm: another way of saying “I told you so!”
  • Idleness: should be well planned out and preferably witnessed by others, who are extremely busy!
  • Diplomacy: that blablah before an inevitable brawl!
  • Chess: an intellectual’s attempt at machismo.
  • A nincompoop: anyone who thinks their doodoohs are funny.
  • Advice: to want to deny others the pleasure of making their own mistakes!
  • I did not say it – You can quote me on that!

Held Hostage

I’d come to your rescue, but I would only end up joining you!

The Square Flea

Hello everyone, Ann Archie is currently unavailable because she has been kidnapped by something called Procrastination.

We -her highly trained secret service body guard SEALs Batman Bear team – are working hard to bring her back. Please refrain from crying loudly, we are doing the best we can.

Since anyone can fall victim to procrastination and since many of you probably don’t have highly trained Batman Bear body guards we came up with a list of helpful stuff to help you help yourself.

How to NOT be a victim of Procrastination:


And remember, only you can prevent forest fires.

Challenge status (what’s this about?):Day 10

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Hunting Flies Joke!

108/366: Splat! 2012-04-17

108/366: Splat! 2012-04-17 (Photo credit: George Larcher)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” He responded.

“Oh, killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked:” How can you tell?”

He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

What is This Mask I’m Wearing?

Oscar Wilde, three-quarter length portrait, fa...

Oscar Wilde, three-quarter length portrait, facing front, seated, leaning forward, left elbow resting on knee, hand to chin, holding walking stick in right hand, wearing coat. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Something inexplicable is happening to me. Inside I feel like a young man, who could daintily hop from mountaintop to mountaintop, who is agile in the extreme and above all young at heart. But when I wake up, everything goes „Auch“ and when I look in the mirror some old git stares back at me. Who is this stranger? If this is carnival, why can I not take off my mask? And let us not forget the grotesque suit, which looks bedraggled in the extreme. How could this happen, when inside I still feel like a young and strong Adonis?

Was I perhaps abducted by aliens, who instead of my wholesome, healthy and handsome body, took some cruel pleasure in returning a decrepid replica? Or did the late Oscar Wilde put a reverse curse on me, by forcing me to go through life looking like shite, when some picture of the real and beautiful me hangs on the wall of one of his indifferent progeny? Oscar, wait till I get my hands on you!

Only a couple of years ago, I met this enchanting young women and we got on like a house on fire. It actually clicked and this is a situation that does not occur often. It all went pear-shaped when the young lady came out with the silly notion that she would go or me, but that I was too old! Who? A young spritely filly like me? This is what I wondered, until that accursed mirror brought me back to this insipid reality.

I can not for the life of me understand why some days I feel the weight of several centuries on my shoulders and on other days I feel the wonder of an infant at the sight of what seems mundane to others. I can only hope that I am in the middle of some foul nightmare and that I am bound to wake up very soon. Or else that more people take the trouble to look into my eyes and witness the youth of my soul! Cheerio, folks…

P.S.: For my next reincarnation, I’ve decided that I want to come back as an old man and then progressively grow younger. Question of really going out(or should I say “in”) with a bang!

Dear Kimmy Versus Dalai Lama!


2nd Dalai Lama

2nd Dalai Lama (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yesterday I took the liberty of reblogging that post about the Dalai Lama. I don’t know if you saw it. Now why would I do such a thing? Apparently, this man went visiting somewhere, very probably met some people and said some things… Personally, I am not interested in what he ate and in the state of his bowel movements, but… whenever this guy opens his mouth pearls of wisdom seem to tumble forth and for this I respect him immensely.

Back to „Dear Kimmy“, what pearls of wisdom stagger forth from her gob then? Am I missing something of interest here, folks? Has Miss Kardashian reached Nirvana and is she going to enlighten us on the shortcut that she discovered through painful(for her anyway!) meditation? Did she, after years of meticulous scientific study, invent a cure for cancer?

I wouldn’t know, because Ralphie has been too busy procrastinating and still can’t be asked to Google the Earth-shattering breakthroughs that Miss K. has on her curriculum. Could some kind-hearted reader of this blog bring this wisdom to my door, in a comment to this blog post, please?

Why do millions of people spend hard-earned money and time and effort on finding out what this bimbo is up to? Did she go discoing and get shit faced and make a spectacle of herself? So what? Billions of individuals do that every week. I know, ’cause I used to be one of them! Then why did the farterazzis not take trillions of pictures of me, when I was licking out assorted gutters all over Europe? Why did Jay Leno not invite me on his show after one of these feats? Jay, explain yourself, mate!

Or did „poor“ Kimmy have her nipples replaced by five carat diamond studs? Alright, I won’t go that far in order to reach celeb status! What is it with this broad and why do you all read about her? Tell me!!! Ralphie’s flabbergasted and flummoxed mind wants and needs to know!

A-ny-way, it is time for an update on Ralphie’s night and morning! I did pass a troubled night, because of my cold. I had coffee and cake for breakfast and for some inexplicable reason, I have not been to the bathroom yet. Details about the progress of my morning will have to wait till I can be arsed to convey said information to my gazillions of fans everywhere. Please refrain from pestering me with emails and such, because I might be in the middle of something important, like a nap! Toodeloo(!?) gang…

Pay Increase – Joke

Swiped this joke from YourMysticGirl on EP.


gloria. (Photo credit: mazita.)

The maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: “Now Gloria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Gloria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.”

“The first is that I iron better than you.”

… Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Gloria: “Jor huzban he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Gloria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Gloria: “Jor hozban did”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did did he???”

Gloria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife: … Really boiling now and through gritted teeth. “And did my husband say that as well?”

Gloria: “No Señora…… The gardener did.”

Wife: “So… How much do you want?”