My Harrowing Horse Riding Experience…


Image form Horse Falls Compilation - Epic Equestrian Falls and Fails - Best Bad Horse ... youtube.com

Image form Horse Falls Compilation – Epic Equestrian Falls and Fails – Best Bad Horse …
youtube.com

I would have to be 54 years stupid and still go and do a silly thing like this!? I thought I’d go horse riding again, even though it had been at least thirty years since I last equestriated…

I got on the horse without any help or supervision and the beast started to gallop away immediately! I was not yet steady in the saddle and was shifting backwards and forward in the saddle. Afeared mightily, I tried to hand on to the horse’s manes, but did not succeed. I tried to cling to his neck and somehow found myself hanging under its belly!

The horse was galloping along merrily, apparently oblivious or maybe impervious to my predicament. I finally decided to just let go and hope for the best, but my foot was caught in one of the stirrups, causing me to bumpety bump along the ground. I was just about to faint…

When as if by a miracle of miracles the mall security guard showed up and pulled the plug on the machine. I thanked the man profusely. Phew, I’m never doing that again!!!

Translated from Dutch form an FB post of our friend: Lieven Grillaert!

 

Advertisements

THE WITTY MAHATMA – Joke


From Cynthia Adams:

(legendaryauctions.com)

(legendaryauctions.com)

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College, London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room when Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, “Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.” Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, “You do not worry professor. I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table. Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge.

The next day in Class he posed the following question: “Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with money, which one would you take?” Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.” Mr. Peters , smiling sarcastically said, “I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom.” Gandhi shrugged and responded, “Each one takes what he doesn’t have.” Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied.

So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi’s exam sheet the word “idiot” and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move. A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and told him in a dignified polite tone, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”

Answer to Rejection Letter! – Joke


From pix-geeks.com:

* I would hire this guy! 🙂 *

10340159_10152439393208469_8231989737523284953_n

Re: Answer to your rejection letter.

Dear Mister director of human resources,

I have received your letter of rejection to my application in good order. However, after examining it with care, I regret to inform you that I can not accede to it. In actuality, I receive incalculable letters of rejection and you will surely understand that I can not accept all of them.

I therefore confirm that I will be in your offices the following Monday at eight o’clock to commence work.

Thank you for the interest shown and good luck with the acceptance of your other letters of rejection.

Sincerely,

Ralphie A Burcke.

Walmart Sucks – Re-allow the Woolfs! – Joke.


From Occupy Portland:

1463983_559333877482159_1438783829_n
Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September

10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

SOURCE: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3633175/1/Late

Laughter time. – Joke


bob X 4

bob X 4 (Photo credit: jacob earl)

 

Bob calls in to his job:
“Hey, boss I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work.”

The boss says:
“You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.”

2 hours later Bob calls:
“Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you’ve got a nice house.”

for more http://highoctanehumor.com/

 

Guts and Balls! – Joke


Painted by Toulouse-Lautrec in the year of his...

Painted by Toulouse-Lautrec in the year of his own death: an examination in the Paris faculty of medicine, 1901 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From http://highoctanehumor.com/

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’…
BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

Hillbilly Rescue! – Joke


From http://highoctanehumor.com/

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no…. Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

Virtual Congrats! – Joke


Amazon vs iCal

Amazon vs iCal (Photo credit: Zach “Pie” Inglis)

From ” English JoKes “:

Girl said:
Dad, I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in India and he lives in Alaska.
We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, he proposed to me on skype, and now we’ve had 2 months of relationship through Viber.
I need your blessings and good wishes, daddy….
Dad said:
Wow! Really!! Then get married on twitter, have fun on tango.
Buy your kids on e-bay, receive them through gmail.
And if you are fed up with your husband…sell him on Amazon.

American Football Explained! – Joke


Quarterback Shaun Carney rushing Français : Le...

Quarterback Shaun Carney rushing Français : Le Quarterback Shaun Carney sprinte en portant la balle. Italiano: il quarterback Shaun Carney scatta portando la palla. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From “funny jokes & pics “:

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”…
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was…
‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’
I’m like…Helloooooo?
It’s only 25 cents!!!!”

Male Shopping Misconduct. – Joke


Impossible Mission (2007 game)

Impossible Mission (2007 game) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From  http://highoctanehumor.com/:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are … listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if
they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September
10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’ And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

I speak Blonde! – Joke.


Dragonair Economy Class Cabin

Dragonair Economy Class Cabin (Photo credit: Luke Lai)

From ShArE ThE LaUgH:

On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for.
The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.” After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up.
She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot.   The co-pilot said, “Let me try.” He went up to the blonde and politely tried to explain to her why she needed to return to her seat in economy class. But the blonde only replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”
Frustrated, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit. He suggested tha…t perhaps they should have the airline call the police and have her arrested when they land.
“Wait a minute,” said the pilot. “Did you say she’s blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde.” So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear. “I’m sorry,” said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class.
“What did you say to her?” ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot. To which the pilot replied, “I just told her that first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

Naval Scuffle US+Canada – Joke


Deutsch: Siegel des Chief of Naval Operation

Deutsch: Siegel des Chief of Naval Operation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Buckle up, Bitches:

 

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States’ Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that’s one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

please visit http://highoctanehumor.com/

Scientific Breakthrough!


English: Albert Einstein Français : portrait d...

English: Albert Einstein Français : portrait d’Albert Einstein (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ralphie quote:
 
“There’s been a breakthrough in my procrastination process. My progress is proceeding at lightning speed towards its starting point.
I am to inertia what Einstein was to physics!”

I might even say that I have just invented Quantum Procrastination.

Blonde confusion! – Joke


South Australian Police officers wearing duty ...

South Australian Police officers wearing duty belts (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From ShArE ThE LaUgH:

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop. …
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it.

Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

Job Ad… – Joke


English: Look at Downtown Billings, Montana, USA

English: Look at Downtown Billings, Montana, USA (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From cheleshere on ExperienceProject.com:

A man goes into the Job Center in downtown Denver and sees an ad for a gynecologist’s assistant. Interested, he asks the clerk for details.

The clerk says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and rub soothing oils into their private parts so they’re ready for their examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Billings, Montana.”

“Good grief,” exclaims the man. “Is that where the job is?”

“No sir,” says the clerk. “That’s where the end of the line is right now.”

Two Beggars – Joke


From  cheleshere on Experience Project:

 

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One held a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people passed by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar holding the Cross.

The Pope came by and stopped to watch the number of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. The Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit here with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just to prove a point.”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turning to the beggar with the Cross, said, “Moshe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

Snopake's Star of David

Snopake’s Star of David (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Don’t Mess With Senior Citizens! – Joke


English: Hotel / Casino New York-New York in L...

English: Hotel / Casino New York-New York in Las Vegas. Français : L’hôtel-Casino New York-New York à Las Vegas, dans le Nevada. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Buckle up, Bitches:

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.

Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.

She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with senior citizens….. They didn’t get there by being stupid.

Italian Wedding Night! – Joke


63rd Tony Awards

63rd Tony Awards (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From The World According to Atlas :

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.” So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.” “Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.” So, up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!” … “Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.”
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”
“Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother. “This is a job for Mama.”

Forgot My Glasses! – Joke


Parachute Ride

Parachute Ride (Photo credit: hmerinomx)

From “funny jokes & pics “ :

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Talking about my “doing something useful” seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, “Are you nuts? You’re almost 72 years old and you ‘re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, “Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

“I’m in trouble again, and I don ‘t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week.” I told her.

She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

Terrible Case of CDS!


Sealandic stamps

Sealandic stamps (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My friends,

I need help! I have been diagnosed with severe case of Cuddle Deprivation Syndrome!
I’ve taken to hugging lampposts, even unilluminated ones, and wonton, unnecessary licking of used postage stamps.
To seek professional help seems a trifle undignified and could possibly be misconstrued and might also be illegal. I am in a leftover pickle and some sweetness is required.
Could I possibly solicit the aid of a member of the opposite *bleep*, who has sufficient mammary qualifications for a dose of the milk of human kindness?

Your suffering servant,
Ralphie.

P.S.: Philatelists, please abstain!