Bear with me, Ladies and Gentlemen, for I think I just figured out the meaning of the universe and everything, and some rather surprising revelations have come to light. Oh, and by the way, you are all stark, raving bonkers!

I have been thinking how a positive shape(e..g. a square) is just as easily defined by the negative space that surrounds it, in relation to the whole.

For example, if you take a big square(A) and divide it into nine smaller squares, named 1 to 9, the 1 is just as easily defined by the whole square(A) minus one, which gives you 2 to 9. Are you all still with me so far? The fun will start in a little while!

I took it a step further when I asked myself, whether in the whole universe of infinite possibilities, this would not also apply to an event or even a person, which I myself, Ralphie. I poured this into an equation, but first I must explain the symbols.

I use 8 as the symbol for infinity, because I don’t know how else to type it and I use A for the All, or the whole universe. Combined they form A8 or the whole universe of infinite possibilities. U stands for YOU or in this case me, Ralphie(again). One more paragraph and the merriment begins!

Following the earlier example of the square, I claim that Ralphie can be defined as the whole universe of infinite possibilities minus himself. Again using the negative space, time or possibilities to define one part of the whole. This gives us the following equation:

U(Ralphie) = A8 – U(Ralphie)

This is where the fun starts! If I apply basic arithmetic to this formula, I can prove beyond a shadow of any doubt that the All is equal to two Ralphies!

A8 = 2U(Ralphies)

I will now take a moment to revel in my omnipotence and omnipresence, but not for too long, for my intrinsic humility forces me to admit that the whole universe is just as equal to two Sheilas. Or for that matter also to two Toms, two Dicks or two Harries, which proves the duality of Ralphie’s universe.

Remember, for the future and for the record, that you read it first on Ralphiesportal that the entire universe of infinite possibilities is equal to two Dicks!

While I’m on a roll here, I would like to point out that in the whole universe of infinite possibilities even the impossible exists and it would be completely senseless to try to force silly things such as logic or sense upon said universe. We can now state unequivocally that the whole universe is a load of complete and utter bollocks(or two dicks, as seen earlier!)

Furthermore, it must be said that in the aforementioned universe it is complete plausible that Ralphie is the only sane one there. This makes total sense to me and proves at the same time that the rest of you are completely bonkers! I have always had a sneaky suspicion about youse lot…

At this stage I should really apologise to my learned colleague Mister Stephen Hawkins for having caused him to eat my dust all this while, as I am so WAY ahead of him. Sorry Steve, but shit happens!

After reading all of this, you must admit that Ralphie has enriched the universe significantly. Up to now sadly, Ralphie has been a poor sod, but the time has come for the pendulum to swing the other way and for Ralphie to receive all the riches that he so richly deserves(Nudge, wink, hint!) Should you all neglect what now amounts to your sacred duty, then this universe of infinite possibilities will be short one possibility and will surely fall asunder. Only you can avert Apocalypse by donating all your spare money to Ralphiesportal.me! Be warned. . .

I Ralphie, being of sound mind(as proven earlier) now admonish all the combined news agencies of the world NOT to come camp on my doorstep, for the simple reason that it ain’t BIG enough! I shall therefore grant an exclusive interview to Time magazine, for the trifling sum of one million dollars. This is one further attempt at stopping the collapse of the universe as we know it.

Now what was Ralphie’s Paradox? Simply that it is incomprehensible that one so obtuse as old Ralphie should have to teach the whole world the value of being zany!

All that remains is for me to express the fervent wish that I never run into my double, for then the universe will truly go barmy!!!