“She”, the Proper Pronoun for Chairs.


On behalf of long-suffering Chairs everywhere, whom you have forced to kiss your arses these past several millennia, without ever asking our leave, whom you have royally taken for granted, and have let take the brunt of your excessive weights to our detriment, and this without blushing on your part, the party of the first […]

Embroidery.


I am currently re-reading Douglas Adam’s The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, a humoristic classic of the sci-fi genre. When I came to the passage where the Imperial Trans-galactic Council was imperial in name only, because the Emperor was in stasis and had been for quite some time, my fantasy started to run amok and […]

A War of Strange Worlds.


From his platform on the endocrine gland Strepto, the King of Cocci, addresses his tribe: “You all know that we had to leave our last habitat, due to overpopulation, after the arrival of those dastardly viruses. Finally, since our exodus from the Primal Crap…” The crowd answers in unison: “All hail the Stinky One!” And […]

Fairy Tales… :-)


– The princes in the region were so ugly that the princess took to tongue kissing frogs. To no avail, but it kept the frogs happy. – Wicked Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall, is there any fairer than me, as far as I can see? (She’s up in the tower) Mirror: Well… there’s Beth, […]

Book Report: The Old Man and the Sea – Ernest WhatsHisName.


In all fairness, I should start by saying that it’s been a while since I read this book, but I’m fairly certain that I remember the gist of it. Once around thee time there was a man, who sailed just the one sea his whole career and caught nothing but little iddy biddy fishes. He was probably […]

Those Happy Pills.


Earlier today I was feeling depressed over some depressing stuff, amazingly. I hardly ever get depressed over good things that happen to me, which is fortunate, therapy costing what it does. You may have guessed that my finances are in a slump and as a result so am I. My ears perked when I heard […]

A Non-event!?


A dear friend is planning to leave his den, that comfortable haven where his cortex is safely connected to the web, to venture into the netherworld. I knew I had some weird friends, but this one absconded with the whole cooky jar. He plans to disconnect himself, temporarily one hopes, from our virtual reality and wander […]

About Gravity and Density.


I’m at present reading a novel in which is explained the mathematical and geometrical proof of gravity. At least, I assume it is! Yet again, I am confirmed in my unshakable belief that I am completely and utterly thick, because I understood jack shit about it, not one solitary iota, bupkes, zilch. First I thought […]

True Story: An Outrage!


I am finally calm enough to lift up my pen and put it to paper, after the outrageous incident, which just befell me. There I was, sitting on the Rambla in Alicante begging, when two ladies came by, with one of those candy-assed white mutts with a pink bow to keep its hair out of its eyes. […]

The Old Ralphie Is Back!


As you all know, I’m a bit skinny like a stick insect, because of this crisis business, malnutrition and what have you. But Ralphie has been eating more of late and now I have more energy. I feel I should  do some physical exercise, like lifting something heavy to strengthen my torso and my arms. I […]

Great Expectations!


Something momentous happened yesterday, which may not mean a lot to you. I sold the very first copy of my first publication “Tittbits” on Smashwords.com, my fledgling creation, my first-born baby has finally been acknowledged by another human being. After eight long months of lying on the internet shelves, someone was kind enough to take […]

Kilroy Was Probably Here!


After loud outcries from the blind community about violations of their right to know, certain governmental bodies have relented in certain parts of the globe and are now allowing graffiti for the blind. At long last the visually impaired will also get to know where Kilroy has been! Apparently they do not subscribe to the […]

For Whom The Bell Is A Friggin’ Nuisance!


I heard an Imam calling the faithful to prayers at five o’clock this morning. I thought that was a bit early or late, depending on your point of view, but then that is the custom here in Morocco. I was transported back to some decennia ago, when I used to live right next to a […]

Tornado Cause Debunked!


I just glanced over an article, which stated that tornadoes are apparently caused by wind turbine farms. Said article(1) was probably written by a gentleman, who dabbles in science and the proof of his scientific conclusion was almost certainly arrived at by statistical means. It is a well-known fact that a good statistician can prove […]

Hahah! Special Notification From The Archangel Gabriel!


Would you believe it, there I was, right in the middle of concocting another one of my brilliant Tittbits, when the archangel Gabriel had the audacity, the unmitigating nerve to disturb yours truly for some piddling notification! Now I know Gabby, whom I visit on occasion, when I’m in one of my loftier moods, but […]

Some Doubtful Certainties.


The naughty nature of my early years was exhausting, but well worth the effort! My formative years were largely a waste of time. I’m trying to forget them! Rules and regulations: the obstruction of the natural flow of life, to the enjoyment of none, for the benefit of the few! Law: that necessary stuff to […]

Debunking The “Sport” of Cricket.


After months of intensive research on the internet, Ralphie has finally been able to piece together the rules to this game, which are incomprehensible to anyone who is not British or Indian(and maybe one or two others). Imagine my surprise, ladies and gentlemen, when I found out that this sport of Cricket has in actuality […]

What is This Mask I’m Wearing?


Something inexplicable is happening to me. Inside I feel like a young man, who could daintily hop from mountaintop to mountaintop, who is agile in the extreme and above all young at heart. But when I wake up, everything goes „Auch“ and when I look in the mirror some old git stares back at me. […]