Sunday Spinnings, The Code Book

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I keep watching a lot of French television so that I can improve my listening skills in the language. Yesterday I realized that even with the sound off, and a French reporter translating from English to French, I can still see the American politicians mouth the same code phrases. Last night I realized that these same phrases are used by most politicians while in office. And there are a few codes which are given to their wives to use. It doesn’t matter which party the politician subscribes to, it doesn’t matter if he comes from a red or a blue state, and it doesn’t matter if he likes coffee in the mornings or tea. They all read from the same code book. It is a certain fact that power and money now writes the script for all politicians. Of course this can only influence those who seek power and money, and who will thereby do or say anything to stay in office or rise in power. I am wondering if you receive the book once you are elected to office. And who writes the book? Is there a term for the code book writer? Is he kind of like the accountants at the Academy Awards every year who brings out the code books in a sealed envelope from a black briefcase? And why doesn’t a copy fall into the hands of outsiders like the press and individuals like you or I?

If the press had a copy of the code book, there would be no point in asking questions after a press conference. A reporter could just check the box for the code used at that event. I am also wondering if the person passing out the code book goes over the book with those receiving it. Perhaps he says, lets go over it together and then I will give you a little quiz to see if you’ve got it. It would have been a hoot to have watched him practice the book with Sarah Palin. Maybe now there is a code chip instead of a code book, and once elected it gets injected into your wrist like a pet I.D. chip. Often the codes appear to be recited verbatim; no improvising, no clarifications, no exceptions allowed. As my mother used to say, “No ifs, ands, and especially buts allowed. Just state the fact.” Perhaps they are all like Cinderella at midnight and if they veer off code, they might lose their golden carriage, or they might have to fly in coach, or they might learn that they are wearing no clothes. Maybe they might even shriek, “I’m melting,” if they go off code. Can melted politicians be hired as consultants and multimillion dollar speakers? Not.

I have begun to translate some of the codes to make things a little more sensible. If trying this at home, please remember to say all of the words slowly and distinctly. That assures all citizens that you mean what you say. Also look directly at the camera, or mirror if you are doing this at home while saying the code, but then quickly look down to your notes upon completing the phrase. Make sure your hair is in place, or if you are bald make sure you are not sweating. And only use the codes from the book when you are properly attired. No athletic clothes, no pajamas, and no beach clothes.

“I support the great Constitution of our country.” This code is used when asked about gun laws. There are no longer wild “injuns” at the door to defend your family against, and the Brits are so over that nasty tea thing in the harbor. However, so as not to offend the gun lobbyists and other gun toting, anti-everything Americans, say this code slowly and distinctly.

“I support our troops.” Well this is a no brainer. Who doesn’t support our young men and women who are risking their lives for some assault that even we don’t understand? Don’t veer off code and talk about the real reasons we have put our troops at risk. This is not a discussion about big oil, communism, or the spreading of Christian “values”. Stick to the code and focus on supporting the families of these brave souls who will be devastated and heartbroken. Say this code slowly and distinctly.

This one is for the wives.

“I support and stand by my husband.” Yes, he is a lying cheating scumball. But hey, don’t be hasty and give up the house, the staff, the jewelry, the perks of being called the wife of ole’ whatshisname. My old auntie used to say, if Princess Di had just let him go out and play with horsey girl, she could still be in the cat’s seat. Poor Di just had to ignore her code book, even while the staff was lined up waving it in the air in front of her with big flash cards. Say this code slowly and distinctly.

“Israel has the right to defend itself.” Ah the topper most recently repeated about a trillion times around the world. I have watched in utter horror as 6 Presidents, all of their key staff, and all members of both houses of Congress have said this without any qualifications. Well OF COURSE Israel has the right to defend itself. All countries do. BUT, whoa, as my mother said, “No buts allowed.”

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