After having written the first blog post with this name (https://ralphiesportal.me/2013/09/01/intelligence-discovered-down-under/), I decided to word it more scientifically and I sent it off by email to the following universities: Oxford, Camebridge, Harvard, Yale, Sydney and melbourne. None of them have responded yet, which is kinda sad. Here’s the email I sent:
Dear Messrs Somebody-or-other in Charge of the Biology Department,
It is with considerable jubilation that I address myself, Ralphie A Burcke, a relative unknown, to your venerable body of scientists. I have momentous news about the human anatomy, mine in particular, but it would perhaps also be advisable at some stage to involve your colleagues of the Psychology Department.
My discovery began with a banal occurrence of flatulence, but, as you will soon realise, this had some astounding consequences as I extrapolated some extraordinary conclusions. Dear fellow scientists, imagine my colon filled rather exhaustively with fecal matter and a certain amount of methane gas. Due to my digestion, an excess of downward pressure resulted in the release of part of the methane gas, which in and of itself is not an uncommon incident, had it not been for the fact that the fecal matter was pressing down with an equal and simultaneous urgency. The momenticity of the experience will show itself, when I explain that I extrapolated that my rectum had, with no aid from my brain whatsoever, differentiated which matter to expel.
I have since held the experiment repeatedly, both under laboratory conditions and in the field, and the end result was always the same, except for that one unfortunate accident, which I blame on the over-zealousness of my scientific endeavours. Yes, esteemed colleagues, I am the proud owner of the first ever discovered and recorded conscious rectum! I am working on discovering a way to communicate with it, but to date the results have been poor.
The main reason for this communiqué is to unequivocably lay claim to the first intelligent asshole in human history, but there is a second, more circumspect, reason. During my lifetime it has on numerous occasions come to my attention that my penis sometimes has a mind of its own. To ascertain whether this constitutes a second member of my anatomy to develop intelligence, I would have to hold exhaustive tests.
It is my humble plea that you would help me with the funding of this enterprise. Surely we owe this to humankind as a whole!? And if you would suggest which scientific publications best to send my claim and findings to, I would be much obliged. Please, respond asap, as myself and my respective parts are anxiously awaiting your reply;
Ralphie A burcke.
Should they reply at a later date, I shall of course publish it here for you all to marvel at!