I am finally calm enough to lift up my pen and put it to paper, after the outrageous incident, which just befell me. There I was, sitting on the Rambla in Alicante begging, when two ladies came by, with one of those candy-assed white mutts with a pink bow to keep its hair out of its eyes. You know the ones, they look like a mop, but without the handle.
Mutters comes up to me and I thought he wanted me to pet him, but instead he lifts up his hind paw and pisses in my hat! The one I use to beg with and that I wear, by the way. I pushed him away, but too late. The dirty deed was done. My jaw on the floor, I looked up a the lady, who had cramps in her face from stifling her giggles. I was speechless, ladies and gentlemen!
And then the woman just walks away, without an apology, the farty-arsed canine vandal in tow. His tail in the air, proud as a peacock. The lady’s shoulders were shaking from all the giggling and sniggering. I called after her: “Yes, you can laugh, but I can’t!”, which made her snigger even louder.
You know that dogs go to pee, where they smell the pee of other dogs. So now my hat is the main attraction for all Alicantean dogs to come and piss in. Lovely! I can’t wear it anymore, of course. Luckily, I have a spare woolly one I can put on. I shall have to ask someone to put the peed-on one in the washing machine and cook it, to get all the smell of mutter’s piss out of it.
I shall probably end up with a two-inch hat, because of all the shrinkage. I’ll have to use a hat pin, but… second handicap… I have no more hair, I shaved it all off. Therefore, I shall have to attach my two-inch hat to my scalp. I shall look a mess!
I thought about sueing, but I’d get laughed out of court. A dog pissed in my hat. What do you think about that?