For the chain of days –
The jewel mornings –
pearl, ruby and emerald,
I thank the Goddess.
For the beauty of bird song,
the wind in the trees,
the swallows on the way to Rhuddlan,
I thank the Goddess.
For the sunlit waters of the Traeth,
the crows in the conifers,
and bluebells,
I thank the Goddess.
For the books I’ve been led to,
the green finches and the nuthatch,
the solace of music,
and the joy of my mornings,
I thank the Goddess
Defecation in the sitting position, as used in toilets of Western Europe notably Français : Défécation en position assise, comme c’est le cas notamment en Europe de l’Ouest. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
From The Spoof! Press <here> to see more.
Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and drag of being old.
One seventy-five year old woman says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”
An eighty year old woman says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”
The ninety year old woman says, “At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow!”
“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.
“I don’t wake up until nine!”
From The Spoof! Press <here> to see more.
Kiwi (Photo credit: hollowcrown_)
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi “G’day, mind if I talk to your dog?”
Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”
Dog: “Doin’ alright.”
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” –pointing at the villager.
Dog: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief),
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Kiwi: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool”
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” –pointing at the villager
Horse: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me
from the elements.”
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Kiwi: (in a panic) “The sheep’s a liar.”
Mcdonald (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
McDonald’s Application Form.
»This is allegedly an actual job application a 16 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Australia apparently and they hired him because he was so honest and funny.
NAME: Peter Beale
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
Somebody was a bit overzealous!
from Well it made me laugh
That duckling doesn’t half get around, does it!?? In reality, it’s cute though, isn’t it…
from Now Thats Funny Shit!
Hahah! Got you there, didn’t I!?
from Now Thats Funny Shit!
With a little help!
from Now Thats Funny Shit!
If I tell it right, then mine has nothing much left in it!
from Now Thats Funny Shit!
