For Whom The Bell Is A Friggin’ Nuisance!

Italiano: campanile English: bell tower

Italiano: campanile English: bell tower (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I heard an Imam calling the faithful to prayers at five o’clock this morning. I thought that was a bit early or late, depending on your point of view, but then that is the custom here in Morocco. I was transported back to some decennia ago, when I used to live right next to a church.

Now, when I say right next to a church, I mean that my bedroom was about fifty yards away from the bell tower. And these were not iddy biddy tiny bells, these were humongous bastards that fairly shook the life out of you, if they caught you unawares. And if you think that they were wont to ring every hour on the hour, you would only be partially right. They rang every fifteen minutes, day and night for every day of the catholic year and that’s a bloody long year, let me tell you!

I’m quite good with languages and I cursed those bells in just about every language I could think of and then some. I had nightmares about them, luckily short ones, for those blasted bells would save me from them with their annoying clanging every fifteen minutes, remember? BIG brass bells whose reverberations would rattle your very bones and marrow… I looked like a parent with triplets, I looked a mess and I wasn’t even married! Every morning some frightful red-eyed monster would scare the living daylights out of me, when I looked in the mirror… not a pretty sight!

Every year around Christmas I would beg Santa on bended knees to please bring me a bazooka, but he never did. He must have been in cahoots with them, methinks! I thought that this was a bit petty of him. Was this really too much to ask for! I did not ask for a tank… only one little bazooka and he denied me it. *sob!* He thereby deprived me of the joy and privilege of refurbishing the bell-tower of this church to my very own specifications, which is to say bell-LESS!

One day I’d had enough. I started looking in the papers for a flat to let, somewhere as far away from my home town as possible. Anything to get away from those horrible bells. Most of them were too expensive for my humble means, but finally I spotted one that looked right up my, hopefully bell-less, alley. I arranged for a meeting with the estate agent and we soon met up.

Imagine my dismay when the flat in question turned out to be right next to a cathedral, a BIG one. Just when the estate agent showed up, the bells started ringing. I cringed and hunched up one shoulder and I moaned: „The bells, the bells!!!“ This made the man slightly nervous, but he soothed my soul and saved my day by saying that the bells were shut off from 10 pm till 10 am, out of consideration for the neighbours. I was so deliriously happy that I hugged and kissed him. He turned red as a beet and for some inexplicable reason I never got the appartement…

As soon as I got back, I started a petition to copy this very sensible practice of the shutting-off-of-the-bells-at-night, but the deacon turned a deaf ear towards it, probably because of the bells!? I swore then and there to Saint Peter that when my time comes and the bell tolls for me, I ain’t comin’! If he notifies me with some quiet flute music or a nice guitar fandango, I’ll follow as quietly as a lamb, but not for those beastly bells!

Doesn’t Linda Look Gorgeous?

Anybody who has been following this blog for a while will surely recognise our lovely Linda. We sorely miss her, but are secure in the knowledge that she is extremely well taken care of by some wonderful people in Germany. Thank you, Denise and family!

from Denise

Tornado Cause Debunked!

Whacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man

Whacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man (Photo credit: RedHerring1up)

I just glanced over an article, which stated that tornadoes are apparently caused by wind turbine farms. Said article(1) was probably written by a gentleman, who dabbles in science and the proof of his scientific conclusion was almost certainly arrived at by statistical means. It is a well-known fact that a good statistician can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Earth is actually flat.

I do not subscribe to either point of view. In my humble opinion tornadoes are caused by the wave. The very wave that is perpetrated in sports stadia all over the world, where all the spectators jump up unexpectedly and collectively wave their arms about, somewhat like children welcoming the arrival of Santa!

I shall prove my hypothesis by showing you an incontrovertible correlation between two disturbing facts. If you look at the years where particularly nasty tornadoes occurred, then you will see(and I defy anyone to dispute this fact) that in ALL those very same years, there was a Superbowl on, where the wave is a common as popcorn. What further proof do you need than this? I rest my solved case! Should any doubting Thomases require it, I shall obtain further statistical proof.

Reports(2) have also reached my desk of Mid Westerners in the US of A, who are being excessively liberal with their driver-to-driver waves and this for saluting purposes, which might also add to the air-disturbance already being caused in sports arenas. I would hereby like to admonish the aforementioned wavers to NOT go about their unholy business with open car windows! Wave not, want not, as the tornado victims would say.

Now has come the time for me to vociferously disclaim any vicious rumours about earth-quakes being caused by belly shaking laughter. This slanderous drivel has been spread by people suffering from SHDS(Sense of Humor Deficiency Syndrome, a horrible affliction!) The public can rest assured that we are in possession of stacks of reports, which offer oodles of statistical proof that categorically disprove such ridiculous allegations. My case is no longer resting, it has expired and has been ground into dust. The case is dead, long live the case!

Ladies and gentlemen, I really have to leave you now, for I have just spotted a butterfly on my window sill. I shall rush outside and tell it to sit very still and not move, We would not want it to cause another tsunami for those poor people in Japan, now would we!?? Oh dear, a terrifying thought has just struck my head. Already I dread the return of the humming birds! What havoc will they wreak?



Technical Support From Husband To Wife – Joke

Old movies husband and wife

Old movies husband and wife (Photo credit: Wikipedia) – I ain’t sayin’ this is them!

from 1petitegreeneyes on Experience Project.

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning, “Windows frozen”.

Husband texts back, “Pour some lukewarm water over it”.

Wife texts back, “Computer completely screwed now”.