Gor Blimey, how did he get through the week?


Limericks, Spoonerisms and other similar poetry. (Language Warning)

There once was an Aussie named Bongo, who was a bit of a drongo, his beer was a bit flat and his Sheila kinda fat, that’s why they’re livin’ down under!

John The Aussie

Okay So I want to make a collection of Limerick, spoonerised and just funny poetry. Exactly like Pheasant Pluckers Wife. Or man from Nantuckit.  Got any?  Share them please (with credits)!

So I was told to put in explanations of limericks and spoonerisms first so people get the jist of things…

A limerick is a five-line poem in anapestic or amphibrachic meter with a strict rhyme scheme (aabba), which intends to be witty or humorous, and is sometimes obscene with humorous intent. It may have its roots in the 18th-century Maigue Poets of Ireland[citation needed], although the form can be found in England in the early years of the century[1]. It was popularized in English by Edward Lear in the 19th century, although he did not use the term.

The following example of a limerick is of unknown origin.

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
In space that is quite economical,

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Wonna Have Some Automated Speech Fun?


SitePal (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This was sent to me by a friend of mine. It’s cute to try the demo and should you wish, you can get a 15 day free trial to create your own automated messages with virtual characters to enhance your site!

<Click here!> to use the demo, where you choose the language, the character(male or female), the duration, pitch, length of the message and so on…
Note that the character follows your cursor with his/her eyes!

SitePal is an easy-to-use service that allows you to create a speaking avatar for your website and empower your online communication.

Hunting Flies Joke!

108/366: Splat! 2012-04-17

108/366: Splat! 2012-04-17 (Photo credit: George Larcher)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” He responded.

“Oh, killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked:” How can you tell?”

He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

~Self Lovers~



I find that my favorite people are those that love themselves. They’re easy to be around, and I know that if they love themselves they have forgiven themselves, therefore, they are likely to forgive me when my humanity gets in the way of my good intentions.

A Common Witch

Here it comes, let go of the night

Choose a fresh path, welcome the light

Smile in the sun, give it a go

Bless all the weeds

For they too must grow

I am a witch as common as mud

I know of your secrets

They run through your blood

You’ll never fool me

Not in ways that matter

I read beyond words

I hear beyond chatter

Debunking The “Sport” of Cricket.

Brett Lee bowling at Lords against Pakistan. I...

Brett Lee bowling at Lords against Pakistan. ICC Champions Trophy 2004, warm up game, 4th September 2004. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After months of intensive research on the internet, Ralphie has finally been able to piece together the rules to this game, which are incomprehensible to anyone who is not British or Indian(and maybe one or two others). Imagine my surprise, ladies and gentlemen, when I found out that this sport of Cricket has in actuality nothing to do with Jimeny and only very little with his fiddle!

It involves a ball that is almost always thrown by a man(they’re a bit sexist) in the general direction of some sticks. These sticks symbolise a ship and the object is to sink the ship of the opposing team. You may be wondering why they don’t play this game on water, well that is because this game is so long-winded that thousands of years ago, when the game was first invented, most of the team-players drowned and so they moved it to a field! You see, one game can go on for centuries!! Balls and paddles are usually passed on from father to son.

In front of the ship stands a sailor, who was supposed to row the ship out of harms way, but these days he just waves a paddle about. Actually, the sailor is supposed to block the ball from hitting the ship with his body, but most are too scared and don’t bother. There are more men on the field and these are called extras. Most of the time they just ogle the chicks in the audience, but once in a great while they go for a jog to keep their muscles from cramping up.

The extras have lodged a complaint with the league of sailors and ball-throwers for not allowing them to bring tents and sleeping bags to the field, but the league is adamant in their denial. I ask myself, why ever not? They could at least provide them with some chairs and let them enjoy a pint of lager, while they’re sitting around there twiddling their thumbs! Or at the very least some parasols.

Nobody seems to remember these days what constitutes a win. The last time the captain of one ship thought he’d won, the umpire had slipped into a coma several days before, without anyone noticing and the captain was so angry he burned the sticks. England and India have been fighting over the ashes of this vessel ever since.

I read a curious report about Mister Jan Botha,, South Africa’s former prime minister, having captained England’s team. How in the blazes he managed that, I will never know! And there’s more! While he was captain he lost against Mozes Gandhi, who captained the India team, because Mr.Gandhi refused to play by the then rules… but beat them anyways.

There are also people, who actually come and watch these games. The spectator’s object is to see how long he can stay awake and their friends place bets on this. It’s no use betting on the game, because it never seems to end! Some pharmaceutical companies have bid on the rights to televise the game as a sure-fire cure against insomnia. Strange sport, isn’t it? So far this exiting report from Ralphie. Frankly, I’d rather spend a riveting evening watching a group of elderly ladies crochet…


~Wet Wind~

It is midnight, I raise my east window, to find that it is raining hard out there tonight. This witch’s home is filled with soft music and candle light, the dogs snore. My body is tired but my mind isn’t ready for sleep, my spirit is at peace.

An alert black cat named Salem just climbed onto the window seal to watch the rain and the darkness, he has golden eyes, and he loves the wet wind on his whiskers. We are sharing this night.

This is a magical old home at night, it’s well broken in, magnificently scarred up, it is humble and worthy to be called home. I wonder did I do this place justice when I was the young mother of a family here, when this place was buzzing with the desperate dizziness of youth and the dreams of a life to come, was I magical enough to be both inspirational and hopeful?  Was I fun and warm with my children, I hope so.

There are so many lives down beneath this mountain, down the road, across the hills, under the stars, over the seas. My life is here, I love it, but, I dream of other places, and other realms. I wonder sometimes why I was dropped here and not there.  Is there any reason or purpose to where I am and what I am doing?

I have this quote, I made it up. I don’t know if there are a million others that have claimed it before me? How could I know?  I tried to find out, I Googled it, I found no such quote, so for now, I am claiming it.  It goes like this. “It isn’t that I don’t believe in anything, it is that I believe in everything.”  This pretty much sums me up spiritually.

I claim to be a witch, but, I have been other things. Devout things, ridiculous things, funny things, vulgar things. I suppose you don’t care, that is fine, I don’t care either. I don’t think labels help one thing, we humans are so silly about such things.  I do know that my soul is quite the same soul that it was when I prayed the rosary or attended revival or studied Native American teachings or went dead spiritually, I have always been ME, and I fear  that I shall very likely remain this way for all of time.

Connect With India!

Map of Emerging Markets

At this present moment in time India contains 17.5% of the world’s population(source: Wikipedia) and is expected to surpass China in this respect by 2025. Investors should perhaps take into account that while China’s economic boom is manifest, India’s market offers the benefit of less problems over a language barrier, nor does it have its political restraints. Let us review some numbers:

India’s colleges and universities turn out more or less 3.1 million graduates each year, who are all computer literate.

India had 65  million active internet users in 2011 and for (source=)GoogleIndia is the third biggest Internet market in terms of users(with over 100 million internet users) now.

Some data from (for March 2011):

Media and Entertainment:  26% Research online
– Technology Products:  72% Research online
– Travel: 40% Research online
– Queries for Internet banking have gone up 200 times in the last 18 months

It is estimated that more than 300 million people in India will be hooked on to mobile internet by the year 2015.

Currently there is one computer for every 25 Indians, availability of PCs per head has doubled in just four years. – from

While these figures do not compare well to China’s overall growth, they are certainly not to be sniffed at!

Some trends of “The Three L’s” that are universally important to all peoples everywhere, namely: Love(and friendship), Laughter and Lazing about in the sun:

In India, Orkut is the social network of choice. Study reveals an immensely engaged and untapped emerging market that is ready for the taking. While social media campaigns concentrate on the US and Europe, it is actually the countries outside of these target markets where they are most likely to be met with open arms.(from

India will see the fastest growth in social networking this year (51.7%) – from

Read up on Indian humor on and
This is just to show that comedy in India is very much alive and kicking!

Foreign Exchange earnings from tourism in India for 2010: US$ 14.19 Billion with an annual growth rate of 24.6% – from

Conclusion: Anyone who wants to get as broad an English-speaking audience as possible would do well not to forget this largely untapped market! The numbers are staggering and continually growing, which should say enough in and of itself.

After Google, Bing and the other major search engines India has a long list of its own, which are specific to the country. When one inputs “India search engines” in Google one gets 339000000 results, but a lot of these do not let you submit your url, if you do not have a site that specifically concerns India. However, a good researcher could find ways to get noticed. offers some free submissions to name but one! Now it is up to the respective webmasters whether to decide to go for it or not…

What is This Mask I’m Wearing?

Oscar Wilde, three-quarter length portrait, fa...

Oscar Wilde, three-quarter length portrait, facing front, seated, leaning forward, left elbow resting on knee, hand to chin, holding walking stick in right hand, wearing coat. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Something inexplicable is happening to me. Inside I feel like a young man, who could daintily hop from mountaintop to mountaintop, who is agile in the extreme and above all young at heart. But when I wake up, everything goes „Auch“ and when I look in the mirror some old git stares back at me. Who is this stranger? If this is carnival, why can I not take off my mask? And let us not forget the grotesque suit, which looks bedraggled in the extreme. How could this happen, when inside I still feel like a young and strong Adonis?

Was I perhaps abducted by aliens, who instead of my wholesome, healthy and handsome body, took some cruel pleasure in returning a decrepid replica? Or did the late Oscar Wilde put a reverse curse on me, by forcing me to go through life looking like shite, when some picture of the real and beautiful me hangs on the wall of one of his indifferent progeny? Oscar, wait till I get my hands on you!

Only a couple of years ago, I met this enchanting young women and we got on like a house on fire. It actually clicked and this is a situation that does not occur often. It all went pear-shaped when the young lady came out with the silly notion that she would go or me, but that I was too old! Who? A young spritely filly like me? This is what I wondered, until that accursed mirror brought me back to this insipid reality.

I can not for the life of me understand why some days I feel the weight of several centuries on my shoulders and on other days I feel the wonder of an infant at the sight of what seems mundane to others. I can only hope that I am in the middle of some foul nightmare and that I am bound to wake up very soon. Or else that more people take the trouble to look into my eyes and witness the youth of my soul! Cheerio, folks…

P.S.: For my next reincarnation, I’ve decided that I want to come back as an old man and then progressively grow younger. Question of really going out(or should I say “in”) with a bang!

Dear Kimmy Versus Dalai Lama!


2nd Dalai Lama

2nd Dalai Lama (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yesterday I took the liberty of reblogging that post about the Dalai Lama. I don’t know if you saw it. Now why would I do such a thing? Apparently, this man went visiting somewhere, very probably met some people and said some things… Personally, I am not interested in what he ate and in the state of his bowel movements, but… whenever this guy opens his mouth pearls of wisdom seem to tumble forth and for this I respect him immensely.

Back to „Dear Kimmy“, what pearls of wisdom stagger forth from her gob then? Am I missing something of interest here, folks? Has Miss Kardashian reached Nirvana and is she going to enlighten us on the shortcut that she discovered through painful(for her anyway!) meditation? Did she, after years of meticulous scientific study, invent a cure for cancer?

I wouldn’t know, because Ralphie has been too busy procrastinating and still can’t be asked to Google the Earth-shattering breakthroughs that Miss K. has on her curriculum. Could some kind-hearted reader of this blog bring this wisdom to my door, in a comment to this blog post, please?

Why do millions of people spend hard-earned money and time and effort on finding out what this bimbo is up to? Did she go discoing and get shit faced and make a spectacle of herself? So what? Billions of individuals do that every week. I know, ’cause I used to be one of them! Then why did the farterazzis not take trillions of pictures of me, when I was licking out assorted gutters all over Europe? Why did Jay Leno not invite me on his show after one of these feats? Jay, explain yourself, mate!

Or did „poor“ Kimmy have her nipples replaced by five carat diamond studs? Alright, I won’t go that far in order to reach celeb status! What is it with this broad and why do you all read about her? Tell me!!! Ralphie’s flabbergasted and flummoxed mind wants and needs to know!

A-ny-way, it is time for an update on Ralphie’s night and morning! I did pass a troubled night, because of my cold. I had coffee and cake for breakfast and for some inexplicable reason, I have not been to the bathroom yet. Details about the progress of my morning will have to wait till I can be arsed to convey said information to my gazillions of fans everywhere. Please refrain from pestering me with emails and such, because I might be in the middle of something important, like a nap! Toodeloo(!?) gang…

Starting the Dear Kimmy Fanclub!



Kim Kardashian at the Seventh Annual Hollywood...

Kim Kardashian at the Seventh Annual Hollywood Life Magazine Awards. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


Ladies and Gentlemen, I retract everything I wrote earlier about Miss Kim Kardashian! It’s not poor(?) Miss Kardashian’s fault that she’s simplicity challenged and that she can not hold on to a boyfriend or husband for more than a few days. And the fact that she couldn’t hold down a job, if her life depended on it is neither here nor there, ’cause she doesn’t need to! Furthermore, she has graciously promised the voters of that place somewhere that she’s going to Mayor(sic), that she will recompense all future damages done by her administration out of her own pocket! So there…


As a matter of fact, I’ve grown quite fond of dear Kimmy, since I’ve gotten to know her a bit better(the bribe did help though!), because she’s proven herself to be one lucky find for a writer cum blogger(no Kimmy, that’s not indecent!) such as myself. I’ve been instructed to write that the camel wasn’t nearly as much fun to be with as boyfriend number X, although it did have better table manners.


Miss K’s visit to India was cut short after the unfortunate elephant ride incident. She pertinently refused to ride one facing its behind and as it seemed to have two, this left her with no other option but to sit facing sideways, which she did not appreciate at all.


On the other hand, I do not like Mister Stephen Hawking so much these days, because I can not say: „Haha, Hawking, you got that wrong!“, when I haven’t got a clue what he’s on about in the first instance! You see, it’s not so easy to make fun of someone who is a tad smarter than you are.


But now to get back to dear Kimmy, as she is affectionately known to her friends. She has very sensibly hired me to write some pretticisms for her or lines that will show her as the lady about town that she really and truly, cross her heart and hope to die, is. Already she is showing her altruistic(yes, it’s true, Kimmy) self by providing a much-needed job to yours truly and to the prompter that has to hold up the idiot boards(cross out) reminder boards for her.


The first public tryout of the pretticisms got off to a rocky start, when Kimmy’s vanity forbade her from putting on her reading glasses in front of all those people. Miss Kardashian breaking down in sobs, when people started en mass reading her lines for her, did not help much. She left the scene after remonstrating loudly that they should not think they were smarter than her, just because they could read. Better luck next time, Kimmy!


Anyone willing to donate to the „Help Poor Kimmy Fund“ can do so via PayPal on this site(;-)).