~The Man~ A Ghostly Valentine Tale

When she was feeling magical, she would take to her basement chamber and lock the door behind her. This was where she twirled and spun beneath his ethereal scrutiny. This was where she transformed herself from mother and wife into high priestess and daughter of the moon. There were no windows down there, the space made her feel otherworldly and secreted from the domestic boundaries of her present life. In this place she was safe from all distraction; she was free of the invasive sunlight and of the common clatter of the upper floors. This place was her sanctuary; this was her time for humble prayer and reflection. No one dared interrupt her once the door was shut and locked. If she had done nothing decent for them, she had at least taught them this one courtesy.
Once safely behind the door, she would reach down in the familiar darkness and choose a fresh beeswax candle and light it with a match from her apron. The scent of sulfur filled the air as golden light flickered across canning jars, hanging herbs and drying hides. She would then carefully sprinkle finely ground patchouli powder onto a cauldron of hot coals that she had taken down earlier. She bent her head, she felt the heavy mane of raven hair falling free of delicate shoulders, she breathed in deeply, disappearing within fragrant grey breath of smoke and bliss. She gently walked out of the smoke and sat down to wait. She leaned her warm back against the cool of the northwest wall. She softly closed her lavender blue eyes in serene anticipation. Her hands and feet began to tingle. Behind her eyelids, images of how she fancied him to appear in the flesh of life would sooth her aching spirit; her shoulders would then drop, yielding to an abrupt and delicious kneading of virile hands. Her face would grow warm and pink for once again he had not disappointed her, he was there, his cold fingers were digging into her fragile shoulder bones, this hurt her in such a pleasant way that she held her breath praying to die beneath his powerful possession. This badness inside of her would go away now; she could be good for a while. The coolness of him would slide over her muggy thoughts; he flew in and out of her spirit, his icy black wings caressing her damp face and hair. She knew that he was both noble and depraved, yet more and more, she ran to him, this temptation to be with him was swelling out of her control, for something about his bloodlessness made her feel fully realized.


Love, with error bars

You heartbreaker, you! I’m all teary-eyed now…


Dear St. Valentine

May I call you St.? Are you at all related to Sesame St.?


I was planning to buy ten roses for the price of a small bungalow, but I got distracted and spent all of my money on anchovies. Will these do instead? I’ve made little cherub wings for them out of toilet paper and suspended them from a wire coat hanger. They look a bit like huge flies. Should I put glitter on them, or would that be weird?

I made a card to go with the anchovies. It says: “I love you more today than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow and a bit more than next Tuesday; probably about the same as that day last week when you made me beans on toast” but I realised that this would be better expressed with some sort of line graph. Then I got worried…

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Nature’s Art? LOL

I may have left her waiting a tad too long! Forgot All About Her!from Jokes ‘R’ Us

Alert! Need new Valentine asap, as Mum unavailable… Will love always, yadeeyadeeya… be mine today! Low maintenance and cost-free(might even throw in a cyberhug!) What are you waiting for, woman!?

Happy Love Day!

Big smoochy kisses, warm fuzzy cuddles and BIG bear hugs to all the ladies from Ralphie on this auspicious day! But I will not leave it at that, I wish you all the happiness that you so richly deserve, every single day of your lives. May your dream-lover show up(if he hasn’t already) and treat you like a queen forever!