Feathered hooligans!
from Laugh or be laughed at
Daily Archives: December 20, 2011
The Fat Boy
Jan was the fat boy of Monteney Junior School. Jan was fat and he cared not a shit what people thought or said.
It is difficult to understand how Jan and I ended up being the best of friends for we were as different as chalk and cheese.
Jan, John M and I were in the same class at Monteney and when we went to Ecclesfield Grammar School, we found ourselves in the same class there too, as the first letter of our surnames are close together in the Alphabet which is how they sorted out the first form kids.
Jan and I remained in the same class as each other throughout our (less than illustrious school careers).
Jan’s parents were Polish Immigrants, the only ‘non-British’ family I can recall living on the whole of the estate. Whilst I was a quietish introvert kid (apart from brief bursts of teacher-kicking), Jan was very extrovert, always spoke his mind usually with a big smile on his fat face, no matter who he was speaking to. Even physically we were opposites, I was one of the smallest kids in the class (I waited until I was fifteen to start growing) whilst Jan was undoubtedly the biggest. While I was teaching myself to play chess from a library book, Jan was immersed in Superman comics.
He showed me the first pornographic photograph that I had ever seen (God only knows where he got it from) and he was with me, no, I was with him, the first time I got my hand up a girl’s skirt.
I always remember Jan’s mum being somewhat prudish (in a nice way) insisting the name of the TV Programme ‘The Naked City ‘must have been a mistake as they would surely never allow the word ‘naked’ to be spoken on television! She would have been mortified if she had known some of the things Jan had in his possession
We moved on from Junior School to Grammar School together coincidentally landing in the same first form class. We remained in the same class as each other throughout our-less-than illustrious school careers.
We got into all sorts of trouble together, nothing bad you understand, mostly staying out too late, being in areas we were told not to go in and generally being a nuisance.
Jan and I drifted apart after leaving school and my last, sad memory of him is bumping into him in the Penthouse Night Club around 1976, where he told me ‘they let us out sometimes you know’ (they’ being the people who ran Middlewood Mental Hospital which by then had become Jan’s home).
As I listened to his voice I noticed it had acquired a strange submissive quality, totally out of character with the Jan of old. As we stood together in the gloomy atmosphere of The Penthouse, I studied his eyes; the same eyes that had once sparkled with mischief in his fat face as he planned our next escapade.
I could see…. nothing.
Jan’s spirit had been broken, perhaps by something that had happened to him or perhaps by self-induced demons inside his head, maybe just by life itself, who knows?
I continued to ask after him whenever I met one of the few mutual acquaintances we had, but nobody seemed to know or seemed to care where he was.
When somebody finally informed me that my closest childhood friend had chosen to take his own life, I hardly reacted at all.
Somehow, I already knew.
The Wooded Place
Picture courtesy of Mantic Ritual
The wooded place
The sky of slate
The gleaming sacred blade
The hooded face
The cry of hate
The screaming naked maid
The heathen spell
The kiss of death
The weathered graven stone
The scene from hell
The hiss of breath
The tethered maiden’s groan
The ranted curse
The proffered knife
The mud-filled stinking hole
The chanted verse
The offered life
The blood-filled drinking bowl
The church bell tolls
The time is near
The pagan’s knife is plunged
The tortured souls
The primal fear
The maiden’s life expunged
4012
Natural History Museum: An exhibition
Androids are programmed for admission
Impervious to effects of nuclear emission
Attention please: Exhibit Number Four
This was Tyrannosaurus Rex Dinosaur
Extinct for sixty five million years or more
Attention please: Exhibit Number Three
This was once called a Weeping Willow Tree
The last piece of greenery that would ever be
Attention please: Exhibit Number Two
This thing is a Human, a live one is on view
Take Telepod Number 7 to the National Zoo
Attention please: Exhibit Number One
This was called Love, sounds like a lot of fun
Extinction date unclear, forever it has gone
The Tears of Marie Anne
Death kissed a gypsy caravan
to claim one of the Romni clan
and as her life ebbed with the day
her last act was to wipe away
the tears of Marie Anne
The father grieved so for his wife
in deep despair he took his life
no goodbye note for his son Thad
nor daughter Marie Anne so sad
who suffered in their strife
Marie Anne was just three years old
she went to speak with Nadyagold
a soothsayer of great renown
‘Come my child, sit thyself down
and thy fortune shall be told’
The old dabrani shook her head
‘I see a dull brown room, she said
bare and gloomy, smells of rot
dark and dreary, fearsome hot
with a greatcoat for a bed
‘Thy must beware my little one
for evil to thee will be done
here is a hex that thy can use
if thou should suffer from abuse
then thy vengeance will be won’
‘Death will follow who are cursed
be warned this cannot be reversed’
and as the old soothsayer spoke
ancient words of the Romni folk
loud claps of thunder burst
‘Thad he will go’ advised the man
‘to an orphanage in East Ham
Marie to one in Bishopsgate’
his words did naught to mitigate
the tears of Marie Anne
The matron of the orphan’s home
saw Marie Anne stand all alone
clutching tight her battered case
she saw her sad, bewildered face
and she took her as her own
The principal was Jude Baptiste
for kids he cared not in the least
thick leather belt used as a strap
an arrogant and odious chap
and his nickname was ‘The Beast’
Thirteen years passed by too fast
Marie Anne lived for the past
she missed her brother’s smiling face
she yearned to feel his firm embrace
that had never been surpassed
Baptiste came to the girl so fair
stroked her face and stroked her hair
‘Come with me my little one’
took her hand and they were gone
to climb the winding stair
Behind the wooden panelled door
a small room of dull brown decor
bare and gloomy, smelled of rot
dark and dreary, fearsome hot
with a greatcoat on the floor
Baptiste took his prey so pretty
and showing not a trace of pity
nor any sign of tenderness
tore off her yellow orphan dress
and took away her chastity
‘Now that thy has done thy worst
with this amria thou art cursed
and guaranteed a place in Hell’
Marie Anne cast the gypsy spell
as the clouds of thunder burst
The matron damned the evil man
when Marie told her of his plan
and as she tried to comfort her
dampening her shoulder were
the tears of Marie Anne
Pleas for mercy would not be heard
whenever his desire was stirred
using her for carnal pleasure
abusing her at his leisure
he could not be deterred
One day Marie heard matron call
‘A man is waiting in the hall’
‘She said “Please bring him here to me’
she had no doubt who it would be
she had no doubt at all
Baptiste opened the panelled door
and closing it behind him saw
beneath the coat a huddled form
he spoke above the brewing storm
‘Come hither my gipsy whore’
But when the coat was flung aside
Marie did not beneath it hide
instead a man who now stood tall
and pushed Baptiste against the wall
and The Beast was terrified
Thad drew up his gleaming sword
‘Harm me not’ Baptiste implored
‘No wrong I’ve ever done to thee
so who art thou to threaten me?’
Outside the thunder roared
Thad hissed ‘The kith and kin am I
of someone thy did mortify
now for my dear young sister’s sake
vengeance I have come to take
‘tis time for thee to die’
‘Please slow thy haste sir I appeal
There’s something that I must reveal
gold pieces I have very many
to thee I will give every penny
Sir can we strike a deal?’
‘If thy galbi were a hundred fold
justice can’t be bought and sold
money cannot sheath this blade
my sister’s honour I’ll not trade
for a bag of tainted gold
And now I must fulfill my quest
and send thee to be Satan’s guest’
and as the mighty thunder roared
Thad thrust hard upon his sword
deep into Baptiste’s chest
Baptiste screamed in fiery Hell
inside his dingy, stinking cell
bare and gloomy, smelled of rot
dark and dreary, fearsome hot
and recalled the gypsy spell
Thus Marie Anne’s new life began
she leaned down from the caravan
to kiss one that she loved so well
and on the matron’s face there fell
the tears of Marie Anne
Romni – Romany,
Amria – Curse,
Dabrani – Fortune Teller,
Galbi – Gold
