From Boo F*ckem Hoo:
“Best College Life Hacks – College can be difficult! Studying, sleeping, eating, socializing — how can you do it all? Some of these hacks may help.”
Ralphie: “Although rumour has it that there may have been earlier patents on these matters. One is supposed to be held by Mrs. Harrumph, a Neanderthal from the plasticine era!”
Inset-uranus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
After having written the first blog post with this name (http://ralphiesportal.me/2013/09/01/intelligence-discovered-down-under/), I decided to word it more scientifically and I sent it off by email to the following universities: Oxford, Camebridge, Harvard, Yale, Sydney and melbourne. None of them have responded yet, which is kinda sad. Here’s the email I sent:
Dear Messrs Somebody-or-other in Charge of the Biology Department,
It is with considerable jubilation that I address myself, Ralphie A Burcke, a relative unknown, to your venerable body of scientists. I have momentous news about the human anatomy, mine in particular, but it would perhaps also be advisable at some stage to involve your colleagues of the Psychology Department.
My discovery began with a banal occurrence of flatulence, but, as you will soon realise, this had some astounding consequences as I extrapolated some extraordinary conclusions. Dear fellow scientists, imagine my colon filled rather exhaustively with fecal matter and a certain amount of methane gas. Due to my digestion, an excess of downward pressure resulted in the release of part of the methane gas, which in and of itself is not an uncommon incident, had it not been for the fact that the fecal matter was pressing down with an equal and simultaneous urgency. The momenticity of the experience will show itself, when I explain that I extrapolated that my rectum had, with no aid from my brain whatsoever, differentiated which matter to expel.
I have since held the experiment repeatedly, both under laboratory conditions and in the field, and the end result was always the same, except for that one unfortunate accident, which I blame on the over-zealousness of my scientific endeavours. Yes, esteemed colleagues, I am the proud owner of the first ever discovered and recorded conscious rectum! I am working on discovering a way to communicate with it, but to date the results have been poor.
The main reason for this communiqué is to unequivocably lay claim to the first intelligent asshole in human history, but there is a second, more circumspect, reason. During my lifetime it has on numerous occasions come to my attention that my penis sometimes has a mind of its own. To ascertain whether this constitutes a second member of my anatomy to develop intelligence, I would have to hold exhaustive tests.
It is my humble plea that you would help me with the funding of this enterprise. Surely we owe this to humankind as a whole!? And if you would suggest which scientific publications best to send my claim and findings to, I would be much obliged. Please, respond asap, as myself and my respective parts are anxiously awaiting your reply;
Ralphie A burcke.
Should they reply at a later date, I shall of course publish it here for you all to marvel at!
I was really worried all weekend because I lost my identity card. I was trying to remember where I left it and this morning it finally came to me. I am here in the library and you have to give your ID for them to record it for statistical purposes. I came here this morning and told the lady that I had a tiny problem. She whipped out my ID and asked if that was my tiny problem. If jumped for joy and praised the Lord and all the saints and shouted: “Halleluya!” That bit of plastic cost me 80 Euros, which is a humongous amount for me! Anyways, I’m happy to have gotten it back.
- Happy Face? (ralphiesportal.me)
Ralphie A Burcke, the Lord’s High Scribbler has just published a short story on Smashwords.com.
Anybody who is interested, go to: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/222573
It costs 1.99 $, but an arm or a leg will be accepted aswell! Hugs from Ralphie.
Parody on Genesis, guaranteed to crack you up! The Almighty Bud first created the Prime Mates, who lost the wisdom and went up the trees to eat bananas. A second batch was called for: the Dummies who are thick as pig shit, because of the loss of the wisdom. The female Dumas save the day. They have a secret, but nobody´s interested, which pisses them off. Their vengeance will be terrible!
Image via CrunchBase
Something momentous happened yesterday, which may not mean a lot to you. I sold the very first copy of my first publication “Tittbits” on Smashwords.com, my fledgling creation, my first-born baby has finally been acknowledged by another human being. After eight long months of lying on the internet shelves, someone was kind enough to take one copy home to read in peace and have a chuckle with. It can not be stroked, caressed or smelled like you can a paper book, but nevertheless a little piece of my psyche is now in someone else´s hands, to have and to hold and to cherish for all eternity(or a trifle less).
Will he or she like it or sneer at it in disdain? Oh dear, don´t tell me, for the agony, the heartbreak might be my undoing! Let me continue in my belief that my child has found a loving foster parent. In fact, in would now like to entreat all my readers NOT to buy a copy, because the suspense of waiting for a sign of your approval or utter loathing would turn me into a nervous wreck, prematurely grey and weak of heart and limb… How can other authors stand this torture?
I can hear my old pal Dermott in Fuengirola saying: “Ralphie, old bean, I think you´ve gone overboard, your train has derailed and your marbles have yet again been scattered to the four corners of the globe(can a globe has corners, by the way?) Snap out of it! It´s only a friggin´book.” Dermott really doesn´t have a clue, does he?
Anyways, the book costs 8.99$ and six of those are ALL mine! But Smashwordsonly pays every trimester. I am therefore giddy with anticipation about this enormous wealth about to come my way at the end of the month of September of the beginning of October. My literary oeuvre is bearing fruit at last. I´ve already ordered the yacht, by the way! Toodeloo, gang, hugs from Ralphie.
Rose et amour….rosa y amor ….rose d’amour ..rosa de amor.. // Explore (Photo credit: photosylvia / silabox…occupée)
I´ve been having daydreams about a bed, as opposed to sleeping on the concrete with a piece of cardboard as a mattress. A bed: a white sea of softness, to swim in while dreaming that smells of roses and lavender. A tender pillow, made for hugging during the long, cold nights. Silken sheets that caress my body with a soft ´swish, swish´as I turn from side to side. A light woolen blanket, the touch of which sends me into a deep slumber, the sheep having already been counted. And then to wake up in this little corner of paradise to the divine smell of brewing coffee. Mmmm… maybe someday Ralphie!
Since I wrote this, I have only slept on the street once, thanks to all the wonderful pilgrims I have met, who help me out! I shall hold them in my heart for ever!