From “funny jokes & pics “:
Tag Archive: sex
Folks in New york state are in for it now!
A gorgeous lady of long-standing and whom I fancy, comes up to me and says:”Would you like to have sex with me?”
I answer:”That depends. Is this all you’re looking for?”
She states:”At the minute, yes!”
I lob her the following:”In that case, I choose not to know what I’m missing. Thank you.”
She gets mad and goes:”You must be joking. I’ve seen the way you look at me. Are you a man or a mouse?”
Refusing to play this game, I answer:”I suppose I’m a mouse then. Cheerio!”
The next day we meet again and she greets me with a loud:”Hello, mickey!”
To which I joyously shout:”Well, if it isn’t Godzilla, the man-eater!”
She is not impressed, for some reason, but still asks:”Why did you refuse me yesterday?”
I answer:”Well, I’m half in love with you already and if we were to have sex and my feelings for you blossom into a raging fire, only for you to consequently say that it had been very nice and that you might see me again some day and Ciao! Then I would be royally fucked, wouldn’t I?”
“But now you’ll never will be royally fucked, because that was a one time offer!”
“Fine!” I say, “Have a nice life and goodbye!”, which made her angry again. I don’t think I will ever fathom what women are about…
Ladies, any comments? Gents, you can put your two cents’ worth in aswell.
From “funny jokes & pics “ :
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: “Sue……….Sue…”
“Is that you, George?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful!? What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”
“Oh, George, are you in Heaven?”
“No, I’m a rabbit in Kansas .”
This is not my idea of a joke!
I do not have to worry about this!!?
Guys, I vote we burn our jockstraps over this! And Ladies, kick ‘em where it hurts!
A survey has found that readers of a comedy emag prefer humor about sex to jokes about politics, work, sports or any other subject.
Let me lift up a tip of Ralphie’s veil and show you my magic. I shall take you on a trip along the valleys and the hills of a landscape, sculpted for the sole purpose of an exchange of energy, the one commonly known as Love. We shall travel this land together, you, my yet to encounter twin soul and me, Ralphie. I am a shape-shifter, I will be what you need me to be and more, whilst at the same time always remaining myself, immutable as time.
I am also an artist and a painter foremost. However, this time I shall endeavour to sculpt an experience with words, which I shall view in my mind’s eye. It is up to you, dear reader, to translate my words into an epic to suit you, pushing yourself to the limits of your imagination and possibly even beyond. Are you ready? Fasten your seatbelts!
Sweetheart, my love is boundless, there is no limit. If life has turned your inner garden into a barren desert, I shall transform it into a luscious dreamscape. If your wanderings have made you thirsty, I shall be your life-bringing water. If you have lost the way and have, through misfortune, descended into darkness, I shall be the bright comet that lights your way back to the safety of my embrace. If life’s turmoil has left you shaken and shivering with fright, I shall be as solid and immobile as a mountain, for you to build a new future on.
And the why, my love?’ Because I am you and you are me. There is no us, there is no we. There is only the one unshakeable truth of our joint being, indivisible, unalterable and merely as it should be, for evermore. Blessed be, Amen!
*zing!* I find myself fondling splayed toes and kneading the soles of gracious feet, the skin of which is as supple and strong as the underbelly of a pregnant gazelle. The kneading brings with it faint memories of freshly baked bread and the eminently sated feeling of a well-filled stomach. “Ugh, ugh!” sounds of delirious pleasure emanate from behind my back and these make me smile in wonder. My hands move to another region, where calves were grazed by sharp steely knives, to leave them smooth as silk to my touch. I push the flesh upwards in the direction of the seat of her pumping life-blood, move back through the impregnated air, only to push slowly upwards yet again, forcing whimpering groans from the moist lips of the recipient of my ministrations.
I ski down the slopes of taut thighs, but circumvent the valley of the small death at present, because I like to be naughty and tease my love a while. I am entitled, because she exults in the certainty that lingering release will come in the end. I climb up the concave banks of a pelvis that seems to be disturbed by a small tremor and trembling, I follow the path between the creamy delicacies to the rosebud that crowns the magnificent treasure of the miracle of procreation and halt my journey of discovery, in a moment of reverence and to pay tribute to the Mother of us all. I fairly stumble over the ribs and conquer the milky hills, through the pasture of autumn shades to the well of Man’s delight, the fountain of our youth, the sight and touch of which, makes grown men weak in the knees.
I lose consciousness for a nanosecond and awaken in the mossy mound dedicated to the Goddess of Love, there to revel in a most heady aroma that truly makes my head spin. I am reminded of a rainforest. for the humidity is rising all the time. Blinding flashes of iridescent green and hues of passionate violet dazzle me. And all this while my hands have been pulsating with the energy and urgency of my love and of my need, filling up your cup that was nearly empty from neglect, to the brim and finally causing it to overflow. At long last I have encountered the portal, which you thought had disappeared for good, into the fog of broken promises. I gently turn the key that I fashioned with the tools of my tenderness and cause the dam to break. All your pent-up emotions are now set free to roar joyously and without restraint once again. The dance can begin!
Wave upon tumultuous wave of excruciating love washes over me and through me, until I fear that I must die asphyxiated, only to remember that never has an excess of love killed anyone and I surrender completely and utterly. In fact, I turn the table by using my innate sense of empathy and become you and draw you into me, to let you enjoy even more the effect that our union has on me. As prophesied I am become you and you are become me. One being spirals into the endlessness of infinity and leaves the encumbrance of mere matter behind. Pure energy dances with the angles and the elemental forces are applauding our deliverance and accept the incontrovertible fact of our divine union. We have created the ultimate magic of eternal love! So mote it be, I Ralphie have spoken.