Tag Archive: humorous jokes


Wife Rules The Roost. – Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 2 Comments
March 21, 2013
English: Portrait of Charlie Chaplin

English: Portrait of Charlie Chaplin (Photo credit: Wikipedia) Just ask Charlie!

From  climber1 on Experience Prohect:

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’
‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

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Don’t Mess With Senior Citizens! – Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 3 Comments
March 9, 2013
English: Hotel / Casino New York-New York in L...

English: Hotel / Casino New York-New York in Las Vegas. Français : L’hôtel-Casino New York-New York à Las Vegas, dans le Nevada. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Buckle up, Bitches:

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.

Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.

She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with senior citizens….. They didn’t get there by being stupid.

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Is There Sex After Death? – Joke

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February 21, 2013
Golf_Course

Golf_Course (Photo credit: shoebappa)

From “funny jokes & pics “ :

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: “Sue……….Sue…”

“Is that you, George?”
…
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful!? What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

“Oh, George, are you in Heaven?”

“No, I’m a rabbit in Kansas .”

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PERFECT PUNISHMENT! – Joke

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February 13, 2013
St. Peter Tempera on wood, 312x105x4, Russian ...

St. Peter Tempera on wood, 312x105x4, Russian Museum, Sankt Petersburg (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Funny Jokes and Pictures :

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
…
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.” Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

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Life Explained – Joke

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February 7, 2013
Dog sunny Day Afternoon

Dog sunny Day Afternoon (Photo credit: allert)

From Boxersoff4u on Experience Project:

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘ Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform.  How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

‘Eat, sleep, play , marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’

But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

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Talking About Sex In Public? – Joke

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February 6, 2013
Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'...

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Sexual Fantasies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From 1petitegreeneyes on Experience Project:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly.

“In this country … we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives …

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

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Married Life. – Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 1 Comment
February 6, 2013

images

From FB~ Troublemakers:

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to ‘Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin’.

‘What?’ said the puzzled groom.

‘How can that be possible if you’ve been married ten times.?’

‘Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .

Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was … God I miss him.

‘But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited’. ‘Wonderful’, said the husband, ‘but why? To which she replied, ‘You’re with the ‘GOVERNMENT‘ . .. This time I KNOW I’M gonna get SCREWED.

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Banana Split – Joke.

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January 28, 2013
Banana split

Banana split (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Mediamira Maral :

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.   The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

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Temperatures! – Joke

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January 21, 2013
English: The White Hope of the Russians. A WWI...

English: The White Hope of the Russians. A WWI-era cartoon utilizing the Russian Winter stereotype. (The Russians soldiers are mistakenly shown holding the Cross of St. Andrew (naval flag) instead of the usual three-color flag.) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From my friend Ricki:

:+18 C People from Hawaii put on the second blanket
+10 C People from Helsinki turn off their heating system
+2 C Italian cars don’t start
0 C Distilled water freezes
-1 C Expiration becomes visible. Russians eat icecream and drink cold beer
-4 C Your dog jumps in the bed with you
-10 C French cars don’t start
-12 C Politicians begin to talk about homeless persons
-15 C American cars don’t start
-20 C You can hear the breathing
-24 C Japanese cars don’t start
-28 C Your dogs jumps in your pijama
-29 C German cars don’t start
-30 C All normal cars don’t start
-36 C Russian cars don’t start
-39 C Russians button up their shirts
-50 C The car jumps in your bed
-60 C People from Helsinki freeze. Russians button up their coats.
-72 C Lawyers put their hands into their own pockets
-120 C Alcohool freezes. Russians get mad
-273 C Absolute zero. All the particles stop moving. The Russian licks frozen vodka.

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Hamster Diagnosis – Joke.

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January 12, 2013
Una hembra de hamster ruso

Una hembra de hamster ruso (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From thesower on Experience Project.

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead.
Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with his nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet, “Your hamster is dead.”
Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.
The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat.
The cat jumps on to the table and looks at the hamster up and down  for a few minutes before looking up and shaking its head.
“It’s definitely dead sir,”  says the vet.
Convinced , the man en quires how much he owes.
“That will be a $1000, please.”
“A $1000 just tell me to tell me my hamster is dead,” fumes the man.
“Well,” says the vet, “There is my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan.”

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Priest Sipping Vodka – Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 2 Comments
January 11, 2013
Petrus Canisius

Petrus Canisius (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From http://www.thejokeyard.com/

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”

12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s!

 

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Donations??? – Joke

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January 10, 2013
English: US Capitol, Washington DC, the seat o...

US Capitol, Washington DC, the seat of government for the United States Congress. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From ronanp on Experience Project.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.  Nothing was moving.  Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.  Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks.

The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

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Divorce! – Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 1 Comment
December 10, 2012
Publicity photo of Constance Bennett from Star...

Publicity photo of Constance Bennett from Stars of the Photoplay (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

From “funny jokes & pics “

 

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of
misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Now, the son is

worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, “Like heck they’re getting divorced!” and calls her father immediately. “You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.”

 

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Female Quitwittedness? – Joke

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December 6, 2012
Cuckoo clock, a so-called Jagdstück (Hunt piec...

Cuckoo clock, a so-called Jagdstück (Hunt piece), Black Forest, ca. 1900, Deutsches Uhrenmuseum, Inv. 2006-013 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From  “funny jokes & pics “

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bi (t loaded, I headed for home. Just …………as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted…”

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Find Inner Peace! – Joke

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December 3, 2012

From

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me
and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a medical TV show,
I have finally found inner peace.
A doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace

is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things
I’d started and hadn’t finished and,
before leaving the house this morning,
I finished off a bottle of Merlot,
a bottle of chardonnay,
a bodle of Baileys,
a butle of vokda,
a pockige of Prunglies,
tha mainder of a bottel Prozic
and Valum priscriptins,
the res of the Chesescak
and a bax a shocolets.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

 

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Paris Hilton Shows Her Ditsy Side Big Time – Joke.

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November 20, 2012
English: Paris Hilton attending the Fox Realit...

English: Paris Hilton attending the Fox Reality Channel Really Awards, Hollywood, CA on October 13, 2009 – Photo by Glenn Francis of http://www.PacificProDigital.com (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From  Abel Rodriguez on TheSpoof.com

Paris Hilton recently appeared on The View and told Barbara Walters that she wants to be taken more seriously. The Hollywood celebutante went on to say that her goal is to somehow find a way to raise her IQ from the low 70s to somewhere up in the high 60s.

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Talking Dog For Sale. – Joke.

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 2 Comments
November 20, 2012
Dog sunny Day Afternoon

Dog sunny Day Afternoon (Photo credit: allert)

From   Buckle up, Bitches

A man sees a sign outside a house – ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.The man sees a very nice looking brown dog sitting there.

“Do you really talk?” he asks the dog.”Yes,” the dog replies.After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, “So, tell me your story.” The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.”In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.”I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I’ve just retired.

“The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.”Ten quid,” the owner says.”£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”"Because he’s a lying bastard. He’s never been out of the garden.”

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An Angry Wife – Joke.

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 1 Comment
November 17, 2012

From happytuesday on Experience Project.

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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Pants! – Joke

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November 16, 2012
A picture by Gustave Doré of Mother Goose read...

A picture by Gustave Doré of Mother Goose reading written (literary) fairy tales (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A man comes into a bookshop and asks the sales lady where he might find the book: The Man Wears the Pants at Home!

She answers: “Second floor, Sir. In the fairy tale-section.”

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Getting Fit. – Joke

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November 14, 2012
Personal trainer showing a client how to exerc...

Personal trainer showing a client how to exercise the right way and educating them along the way. The semi-spherical device is a BOSU. Category:Fitness Category:Fitness_training Category:Personal_training Category:Stretching Category:Challenges to physical balance (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From  Itzme123 on Experience Project.

For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.   Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 33 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go  ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations  with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a  26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim  wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The  club encouraged me to keep a diary to  chart my  progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day  at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I  arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something  of a Greek god– with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white  smile.  Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the  machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his  aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was  encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from  holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a  FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I  drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo  made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put  weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I  made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I  feel GREAT!  It’s a whole new life for  me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can  brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my  mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both  pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. 
 
 Christo was impatient  with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that  early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that  is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I  got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.  Why  the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered  obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape  and enjoy life.  He said some other shit  too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was  waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips  were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t help being a half an  hour late– it took me that long to tie my  shoes.

He took me to work  out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the toilet.   He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put  me on the rowing machine– which I  sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that  bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human  being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic,  little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could  move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with  it.

Christo wanted me to  work on my triceps..  I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want  dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that  weighs more than a Mars Bar.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a  health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn’t it have been someone  softer, like the drama coach or the choir  director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a  message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering  why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to  smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even  use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the  Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I’m  having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank  GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year I will choose a gift for myself that is fun– like a root canal or a  hysterectomy.  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he  would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

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Fun With Copz! – Joke.

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 1 Comment
November 12, 2012
Police car emergency lighting fixtures switche...

Police car emergency lighting fixtures switched on. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 From  “funny jokes & pics “

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.Woman: Oh, I see….

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

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Payback! – Joke.

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 1 Comment
November 12, 2012
The Big Payback

The Big Payback (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Funny Jokes and Pictures 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”…

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200 per night?! It’s too much!”

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Morning Sex – Joke.

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — Leave a comment
November 11, 2012

Roflmao!

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Gay Ranch Hand – Joke.

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 2 Comments
November 7, 2012
Grand Tetons Ranch From Park Road (2) 9-2011

Grand Tetons Ranch From Park Road (2) 9-2011 (Photo credit: inkknife_2000)

 A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

…

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.Then one day, the rancher’s widow said “you have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

“Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

“Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired!”

For more jokes “funny jokes & pics “

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Your Yearly Dementia Test! – LOL

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 2 Comments
November 6, 2012

English: Bricks in a wall.

From  deleted on Experience Project:

It’s that time of year to take  our annual senior
Citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is  as important as exercise of
The muscles. As we grow older,  it’s important to keep
Mentally alert. If you don’t use it,  you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or
Non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to  determine if you’re
Losing it or not. The spaces below are so  you don’t
See the answers until you’ve made your answer. 
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1.  What do you put in a toaster? 

Answer: ‘bread.’ If  you said ‘toast,’ give up now and
Do something else.
Try  not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to
Question 2. 

2. Say ‘silk’  five times. Now spell ‘silk.’ What do
Cows drink? 

Answer: Cows drink  water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t
Attempt the next question.  Your brain is
Over-stressed and may even overheat. Content  yourself
With reading a more appropriate literature such as
Auto World. However, if you said ‘water’, proceed to
Question  3.

3. If a red house is made from red  bricks and a blue
House is made from blue bricks and a pink  house is
Made from pink bricks and a black house is made from
Black brick s , what is a green house made from? 

Answer: Greenhouses are  made from glass. If you said
‘green bricks,’ why the hell are  you still reading
These???
If you said ‘glass,’ go on to  Question 4.

4. It’s twenty years ago,  and a plane is flying at
20,000 feet over Germany (If you will  recall, Germany
At the time was politically divided into West  Germany
And East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two
Engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last
Remaining  engine is also failing, decides on a crash
Landing procedure.  Unfortunately the engine fails
Before he can do so and the  plane fatally crashes
Smack in the middle of ‘no man’s land’  between East
Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury  the
Survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man’s
Land?

Answer: You  don’t bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you’re a  dunce and you
Must stop. If you said, ‘You don’t bury  survivors’,
Proceed to the next question. 

5.  Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus
From London  to MilfordHaven in Wales . In London , 17
People get on the  bus. In Reading , six people get
Off the bus and nine people  get on. In  Swindon,  two
People get off and four get on. InCardiff, 11 people
Get  off and 16 people get on . InSwansea, three
People get off and  five people get on. In Carmathen,
Six people get off and three  get on. You then arrive
At Milford Haven.
What was the  name of the bus driver? 

Answer: Oh, for crying out  loud!
Don’t you remember your own name? It was YOU!! 

Now pass this along to all  your friends and pray they
Do better than  you.
PS:  95% of people fail most of the  questions!! 

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Biggest Lie ...!

Filed under: Reblogged by raburcke — Leave a comment
October 31, 2012

Reblogged from Humorous Dispassionate:

Click to visit the original post

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher asked; Why are you arguing?

One boy answers, We found a ten dollars bill and decided to
give it to whoever  tells the biggest lie.

You should be ashamed of yourselves, said the teacher,
When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher !!

Pants on fire! Nice one.
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Do You Pray Like This? – Joke.

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — Leave a comment
October 28, 2012
Ironing board

Ironing board (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

By darkice123 on the Experience Project.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

“Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.

Ouch!

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Woodpeckers: Canadian Vs. Mexican

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 4 Comments
October 24, 2012

English: Ladder-Backed Woodpecker (Picoides sc...

From  morganonnet2 on the Experience Project.

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeccable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeccable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion…

Apparently, “Peckers really DO get harder when you’re away from home.”

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Cia First! – Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — Leave a comment
October 19, 2012
Alexander and Hephaistion

Alexander and Hephaistion (Photo credit: █ Slices of Light █▀ ▀ ▀)

From  IN SEINE on thespoof.com

Two C. I.A. agents were asked to come and inspect some ancient bones that were found outside Baghdad. After about three hours with the bones, they came out of the inspection room and announced: “We can now confirm that these are the bones of Alexander the Great!”

“How can you be sure?” asked a reporter.

Answered one of the C.I.A. agents, “Simple. He confessed!”

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Stimulus Plan – Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — Leave a comment
July 20, 2012

 

English: Walmart Home Office, the headquarters...

English: Walmart Home Office, the headquarters of Wal-Mart – Bentonville, Arkansas Español: Walmart Home Office, la sede de Wal-Mart – Bentonville, Arkansas (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

From ronanp at ExperienceProject.com

 

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another ‘Economic Stimulus‘ payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money?
A.. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it..

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ….

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs..

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala …

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea …

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.

 

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