From Domientje Vergeylen:
Translation: “What do the Belgian instructions for the morning-after pill say? Have sex before use!”
From Domientje Vergeylen:
Translation: “What do the Belgian instructions for the morning-after pill say? Have sex before use!”
The programme, billed as ‘the ultimate Monty Python documentary’, will focus on the iconic comedy group’s early ground-breaking stage performances in the 1970s up to the reunion specials at the O2 Arena in London earlier this year. The film will include rare backstage footage and new interviews.
Monty Python: The Meaning Of Live will be overseen by the BAFTA award-winning Roger Graef OBE. His relationship with the troupe dates back to the 1970s, and includes filming the rehearsals, backstage and performances of their 1976 Amnesty International benefit show to form the documentaryPleasure At Her Majesty’s.
As well as having access to archive footage, Graef was given unparalleled access to film behind-the-scenes in the run-up to this year’s reunion shows,Monty Python Live (Mostly) and to interview the five surviving members of Monty Python (John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones and Michael Palin).
Gold explains: “Monty Python: The Meaning Of Live is an intimate and entertaining documentary that tells the story of their ground-breaking live performances, and includes rarely seen footage from their earliest stage shows in 1971 and Live At The Hollywood Bowl in 1980.
“Roger has also been given unparalleled access to film behind-the-scenes in the run-up to Monty Python 2014 reunion show. He follows these comic legends in the lead up to their first new stage show in over three decades. Roger’s unique relationship with the Pythons has allowed him a rare insight into the nature of their collaboration and friendships. The documentary captures many entertaining and surprising moments, right up until the final curtain of their very last show.”
Speaking about the documentary, Graef says: “I’m delighted to be working with the Pythons again. The treat of sharing their reunion and the audience’s enthusiasm is caught in our footage, and shines throughout our film. With an unprecedented level of access and backstage material, this documentary captures the most anticipated comeback show in comedy history. Viewers are given a unique insight into the enormous effort of the backstage ballet behind the seamless performances of the five diverse entertainers, who have come together following a 35 year hiatus.
“Making comedy is hard work, and the anxiety of doing it live is even harder. As they build up to their last ever performance, there will be laughter, reflection and tears. It’s the Pythons as never seen before, and will never be seen again.”
The commission was announced by UKTV’s CEO Darren Childs at the TV network’s industry showcase in London today. Monty Python: The Meaning Of Live is produced by Phil McIntyre Television in association with the group’s own production company, Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd.
Hilary Rosen, UKTV’s Commissioning Editor, says: “Monty Python is arguably the most influential comedy group this country has ever known and it’s a matter of great pride that they have given Gold unparalleled access to the build-up of their hugely anticipated final reunion. Roger Graef is a brilliant director, and the amazing chemistry and rapport he has with the Pythons is clear throughout. In this ultimate Monty Python documentary we will see them as never before.”
* I would hire this guy! :-) *
Re: Answer to your rejection letter.
Dear Mister director of human resources,
I have received your letter of rejection to my application in good order. However, after examining it with care, I regret to inform you that I can not accede to it. In actuality, I receive incalculable letters of rejection and you will surely understand that I can not accept all of them.
I therefore confirm that I will be in your offices the following Monday at eight o’clock to commence work.
Thank you for the interest shown and good luck with the acceptance of your other letters of rejection.
Ralphie A Burcke.
From Occupy Portland:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September
10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the Staff passed out.
From Kimberly Maclean:
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved
The first said, “You know I had a big house built for Mama.”
The second said, “And I had a large theater built in the house.”
The third said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”
The other brothers were impressed.
The following week, the sons received their mother’s “Thank You” note.
Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.
Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing,
and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much.
From Obvious Magazine:
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.
From Helen Bruls-Turin:
2-day COURSE FOR MEN. Accessible to males only! Please be advised that due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the lessons, this course will only accept 8 members. The course is spread over 2 days and will comprise the following topics:
HOW DO I WATER THE PLANTS…
Action plan and slide show.
TOILET ROLLS: DO THEY GROW (UNFERTILISED) ON THE HOLDER?
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Practicing with different kinds of hampers (visualisation training).
IS IT GENETICALLY SPEAKING POSSIBLE TO SIT STILL, WHILE YOUR WIFE IS PARKING?
THE REMOTE CONTROL;
Letting go of the remote: help line and various discussion groups.
HOW TO FIND THINGS;
Training in looking in the right place, instead of creating havoc by screaming at the top of your lungs. Open forum.
EMPTY MILK CARTONS: REFRIGERATOR OR BIN?
Group discussion and role play.
DEBUNKING THE MYTH: BRINGING HOME FLOWERS FOR THE WIFE IS NOT HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH!
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN THEY ARE LOST – RECOGNISING WHEN YOU ARE LOST…
True story of a man who actually tried it.
THE DISHES: DO THEY FLY TO THE SINK/DISHWASHER OF AND BY THEMSELVES?
Debate with a couple of (female) experts.
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND PARTNER.
Practice lessons (in amongst others abstaining from sulking) and role play.
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING BUDDY.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
LETTING GO: HOW TO LEARN TO ACCEPT THAT YOU CAN NEVER BE RIGHT (BEING A MAN…)
Personal coaching possible.
Please share, but hurry to subscribe, as first come, first served.
A man was praying to God.
He said, “God!?”
God responded, “Yes?”
The man said, “Can I ask a question?”
“Go right ahead,” God said.
“God, what is a million years to you?”
God said, “A million years to me is only a second.”
“Hmmmm…” the man pondered.
Then he asked, “God, what is a million dollars worth to you?”
God said: “A million dollars to me is as a penny.”
So the man said, “God, can I have a penny?”
And God cheerfully said, “Sure!! … just a second.”
From Lieven Grillaert:
A Polish guy goes to see an eye doctor. The doc points to a letter chart on the wall:
“Can you read this?” He asks.
“Read it!” the Polish man says, “I know the guy!!”
From Buckle up, Bitches:
A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some a**hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada.”
“No sh*t?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”
From Buckle up, Bitches:
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”
Isn’t history more fun when you know something about it? The History of the Middle Finger: Well, now……here’s something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as ‘plucking the yew’ (or ‘pluck yew’).
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative ‘F’, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as ‘giving the bird.’
And yew thought yew knew every plucking prank thing. http://bit.ly/1fe68ef
“Two buddhists got into a horrific fight over who would ‘not’ get the last noodle of their shared meal.”
A picture from before the fight:
by Maria Popova
“Don’t chew gum. Exercise your jaws in private.”
We’ve already seen how the bicycle emancipated women, but it wasn’t exactly a smooth ride. The following list of 41 don’ts for female cyclists was published in 1895 in the newspaper New York World by an author of unknown gender. Equal parts amusing and appalling, the list is the best (or worst, depending on you look at it) thing since the Victorian map of woman’s heart.
To read more click link up top!
Someone, who is sorely tested, prays: “Lord, please send me patience!”
The Lord answers: “When?“
The boss says:
“You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.”
2 hours later Bob calls:
“Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you’ve got a nice house.”
for more http://highoctanehumor.com/
Medical distinction between Guts and Balls There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’…BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.Both result in death.
From ” English JoKes “:
Dad, I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in India and he lives in Alaska.We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, he proposed to me on skype, and now we’ve had 2 months of relationship through Viber.I need your blessings and good wishes, daddy….
Wow! Really!! Then get married on twitter, have fun on tango.Buy your kids on e-bay, receive them through gmail.And if you are fed up with your husband…sell him on Amazon.
From “funny jokes & pics “:
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”…
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was…
‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’
It’s only 25 cents!!!!”
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:Dear Mrs. Harris,Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are … listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in ifthey would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’ And last, but not least:15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.
From ShArE ThE LaUgH:
On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for.The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.” After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up.She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilot said, “Let me try.” He went up to the blonde and politely tried to explain to her why she needed to return to her seat in economy class. But the blonde only replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”Frustrated, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit. He suggested tha…t perhaps they should have the airline call the police and have her arrested when they land.“Wait a minute,” said the pilot. “Did you say she’s blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde.” So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear. “I’m sorry,” said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class.“What did you say to her?” ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot. To which the pilot replied, “I just told her that first class isn’t going to Chicago.”
From Buckle up, Bitches:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States’ Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that’s one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
please visit http://highoctanehumor.com/
From ShArE ThE LaUgH:
This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop. …The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it.
Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”
From cheleshere on ExperienceProject.com:
A man goes into the Job Center in downtown Denver and sees an ad for a gynecologist’s assistant. Interested, he asks the clerk for details.
The clerk says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and rub soothing oils into their private parts so they’re ready for their examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Billings, Montana.”
“Good grief,” exclaims the man. “Is that where the job is?”
“No sir,” says the clerk. “That’s where the end of the line is right now.”
A preacher wanted to earn money for the building expansion program of his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey.
The preacher figured he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the race. The next day the donkey came in third. The racing form’s headline the following day read, “Preacher’s Ass Shows.”
The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered him the next day also. The donkey won. The newspaper’s headline read, “Preachers Ass Out in Front.” The bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. Then, the headlines read, “Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass.” This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.
The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent. Next day’s headlines read, ” Nuns Have Best Ass in Town.” The bishop fainted! He informed the nuns to get rid of the animal. So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the paper read, “Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks.”
They buried the bishop the next day. The paper read, “Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop’s Death.”
From Adriano Vandersypen:
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent,” They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell you right now, you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
Get more jokes at “funny jokes & pics “
From thundersex on ExperienceProject.com:
from his grandmother asking him to send her a
current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a
Nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent
the bottom half of the photo. He’s really worried but
then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is,
and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his
Grandmother, It says: “Thank you for the picture.
Change your hairstyle… It makes your nose look too short.”