Category: Jokes


Answer to Rejection Letter! – Joke


From pix-geeks.com:

* I would hire this guy! :-) *

10340159_10152439393208469_8231989737523284953_n

Re: Answer to your rejection letter.

Dear Mister director of human resources,

I have received your letter of rejection to my application in good order. However, after examining it with care, I regret to inform you that I can not accede to it. In actuality, I receive incalculable letters of rejection and you will surely understand that I can not accept all of them.

I therefore confirm that I will be in your offices the following Monday at eight o’clock to commence work.

Thank you for the interest shown and good luck with the acceptance of your other letters of rejection.

Sincerely,

Ralphie A Burcke.

About these ads

Walmart Sucks – Re-allow the Woolfs! – Joke.


From Occupy Portland:

1463983_559333877482159_1438783829_n
Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September

10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

SOURCE: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3633175/1/Late

Mothers’ Day Joke!


From Kimberly Maclean:

Image via hollyshome-hollyshome-hollyshome.blogspot.com

Image via hollyshome-hollyshome-hollyshome.blogspot.com

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved
to Florida.

The first said, “You know I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second said, “And I had a large theater built in the house.”

The third said, “And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”

The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

The other brothers were impressed.

The following week, the sons received their mother’s “Thank You” note.

She wrote:

Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.

Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing,
and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same.

Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much.

Love,
Mama

Lawyer Joke.


From Obvious Magazine:

404539_10151330589618089_1007344250_n

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.

Two Day Course for Men. – Joke


From Helen Bruls-Turin:

Starting shortly!

2-day COURSE FOR MEN. Accessible to males only! Please be advised that due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the lessons, this course will only accept 8 members. The course is spread over 2 days and will comprise the following topics:

Day 1:

HOW DO I WATER THE PLANTS…
Action plan and slide show.

TOILET ROLLS: DO THEY GROW (UNFERTILISED) ON THE HOLDER?
Group discussion.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Practicing with different kinds of hampers (visualisation training).

IS IT GENETICALLY SPEAKING POSSIBLE TO SIT STILL, WHILE YOUR WIFE IS PARKING?
Driving simulator.

THE REMOTE CONTROL;
Letting go of the remote: help line and various discussion groups.

HOW TO FIND THINGS;
Training in looking in the right place, instead of creating havoc by screaming at the top of your lungs. Open forum.

Day 2:

EMPTY MILK CARTONS: REFRIGERATOR OR BIN?
Group discussion and role play.

DEBUNKING THE MYTH: BRINGING HOME FLOWERS FOR THE WIFE IS NOT HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH!
Powerpoint presentation.

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN THEY ARE LOST – RECOGNISING WHEN YOU ARE LOST…
True story of a man who actually tried it.

THE DISHES: DO THEY FLY TO THE SINK/DISHWASHER OF AND BY THEMSELVES?
Debate with a couple of (female) experts.

BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND PARTNER.
Practice lessons (in amongst others abstaining from sulking) and role play.

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING BUDDY.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

LETTING GO: HOW TO LEARN TO ACCEPT THAT YOU CAN NEVER BE RIGHT (BEING A MAN…)
Personal coaching possible.

Please share, but hurry to subscribe, as first come, first served.

 

Prayer


Cima_da_Conegliano,_God_the_Father

A man was praying to God.

He said, “God!?”

God responded, “Yes?”

The man said, “Can I ask a question?”

“Go right ahead,” God said.

“God, what is a million years to you?”

God said, “A million years to me is only a second.”

“Hmmmm…” the man pondered.

Then he asked, “God, what is a million dollars worth to you?”

God said: “A million dollars to me is as a penny.”

So the man said, “God, can I have a penny?”

And God cheerfully said, “Sure!! … just a second.”

Eye Test! – Joke.


From Lieven Grillaert:

Translation:

A Polish guy goes to see an eye doctor. The doc points to a letter chart on the wall:

‘CZWXNQSTACZ’

“Can you read this?” He asks.

“Read it!” the Polish man says, “I know the guy!!”

1653626_10203068031809497_1851864481_n

Quick Thinking Canadian! – Joke


Lettuce Cultivars by David Shankbone, New York...

Lettuce Cultivars by David Shankbone, New York City (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

From Buckle up, Bitches:

 

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some a**hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada.”

“No sh*t?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”

http://highoctanehumor.com

 

Redhead Joke!


From Buckle up, Bitches:

dyed-hair-girl-megan-red-hair-red-lips-Favim.com-141203_original

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

http://highoctanehumor.com

History of the Famous Middle Finger! ;-)


From Enlightened Consciousness:

1390679_419508401512226_632195352_n

Isn’t history more fun when you know something about it? The History of the Middle Finger: Well, now……here’s something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as ‘plucking the yew’ (or ‘pluck yew’).

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative ‘F’, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as ‘giving the bird.’

And yew thought yew knew every plucking prank thing. http://bit.ly/1fe68ef

Related article:

http://www.snopes.com/language/apocryph/pluckyew.asp

Buddhist Joke – by Ralphie.


“Two buddhists got into a horrific fight over who would ‘not’ get the last noodle of their shared meal.”

A picture from before the fight:

From wikimedia.org

From wikimedia.org

A List of Don’ts for Women!


wheelsofchange1

From Brainpickings.org:

A List of Don’ts for Women on Bicycles Circa 1895

by

“Don’t chew gum. Exercise your jaws in private.”

We’ve already seen how the bicycle emancipated women, but it wasn’t exactly a smooth ride. The following list of 41 don’ts for female cyclists was published in 1895 in the newspaper New York World by an author of unknown gender. Equal parts amusing and appalling, the list is the best (or worst, depending on you look at it) thing since the Victorian map of woman’s heart.

    • Don’t be a fright.
    • Don’t faint on the road.
    • Don’t wear a man’s cap.
    • Don’t wear tight garters.
    • Don’t forget your toolbag
    • Don’t attempt a “century.”
    • Don’t coast. It is dangerous.
    • Don’t boast of your long rides.
    • Don’t criticize people’s “legs.”
    • Don’t wear loud hued leggings.
    • Don’t cultivate a “bicycle face.”
    • Don’t refuse assistance up a hill.
    • Don’t wear clothes that don’t fit.

To read more click link up top!

God’s Sense of Humor! – Joke


Notifies people of a joke. (SVG version)

Notifies people of a joke. (SVG version) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Someone, who is sorely tested, prays: “Lord, please send me patience!”

The Lord answers: “When?

Laughter time. – Joke


bob X 4

bob X 4 (Photo credit: jacob earl)

 

Bob calls in to his job:
“Hey, boss I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work.”

The boss says:
“You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.”

2 hours later Bob calls:
“Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you’ve got a nice house.”

for more http://highoctanehumor.com/

 

Guts and Balls! – Joke


Painted by Toulouse-Lautrec in the year of his...

Painted by Toulouse-Lautrec in the year of his own death: an examination in the Paris faculty of medicine, 1901 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From http://highoctanehumor.com/

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’…
BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

Hillbilly Rescue! – Joke


From http://highoctanehumor.com/

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no…. Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

Virtual Congrats! – Joke


Amazon vs iCal

Amazon vs iCal (Photo credit: Zach “Pie” Inglis)

From ” English JoKes “:

Girl said:
Dad, I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in India and he lives in Alaska.
We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, he proposed to me on skype, and now we’ve had 2 months of relationship through Viber.
I need your blessings and good wishes, daddy….
Dad said:
Wow! Really!! Then get married on twitter, have fun on tango.
Buy your kids on e-bay, receive them through gmail.
And if you are fed up with your husband…sell him on Amazon.

American Football Explained! – Joke


Quarterback Shaun Carney rushing Français : Le...

Quarterback Shaun Carney rushing Français : Le Quarterback Shaun Carney sprinte en portant la balle. Italiano: il quarterback Shaun Carney scatta portando la palla. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From “funny jokes & pics “:

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”…
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was…
‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’
I’m like…Helloooooo?
It’s only 25 cents!!!!”

Male Shopping Misconduct. – Joke


Impossible Mission (2007 game)

Impossible Mission (2007 game) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From  http://highoctanehumor.com/:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are … listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if
they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September
10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’ And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

I speak Blonde! – Joke.


Dragonair Economy Class Cabin

Dragonair Economy Class Cabin (Photo credit: Luke Lai)

From ShArE ThE LaUgH:

On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for.
The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.” After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up.
She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot.   The co-pilot said, “Let me try.” He went up to the blonde and politely tried to explain to her why she needed to return to her seat in economy class. But the blonde only replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”
Frustrated, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit. He suggested tha…t perhaps they should have the airline call the police and have her arrested when they land.
“Wait a minute,” said the pilot. “Did you say she’s blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde.” So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear. “I’m sorry,” said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class.
“What did you say to her?” ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot. To which the pilot replied, “I just told her that first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

Naval Scuffle US+Canada – Joke


Deutsch: Siegel des Chief of Naval Operation

Deutsch: Siegel des Chief of Naval Operation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Buckle up, Bitches:

 

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States’ Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that’s one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

please visit http://highoctanehumor.com/

Blonde confusion! – Joke


South Australian Police officers wearing duty ...

South Australian Police officers wearing duty belts (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From ShArE ThE LaUgH:

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop. …
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it.

Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

Job Ad… – Joke


English: Look at Downtown Billings, Montana, USA

English: Look at Downtown Billings, Montana, USA (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From cheleshere on ExperienceProject.com:

A man goes into the Job Center in downtown Denver and sees an ad for a gynecologist’s assistant. Interested, he asks the clerk for details.

The clerk says, “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and rub soothing oils into their private parts so they’re ready for their examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Billings, Montana.”

“Good grief,” exclaims the man. “Is that where the job is?”

“No sir,” says the clerk. “That’s where the end of the line is right now.”

A Preacher’s Ass. – Joke


donkey

donkey (Photo credit: All Suggestions Welcome)

 

FromThe World According to Atlas

 

Submitted by Lawrence :)

 

 

A preacher wanted to earn money for the building expansion program of his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey.
The preacher figured he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the race. The next day the donkey came in third. The racing form’s headline the following day read, “Preacher’s Ass Shows.”
The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered him the next day also. The donkey won. The newspaper’s headline read, “Preachers Ass Out in Front.” The bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. Then, the headlines read, “Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass.” This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.
The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent. Next day’s headlines read, ” Nuns Have Best Ass in Town.” The bishop fainted! He informed the nuns to get rid of the animal. So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the paper read, “Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks.”
They buried the bishop the next day. The paper read, “Too Much Ass Responsible for Bishop’s Death.”

 

Expectations of a Somber Kind – joke


From Adriano Vandersypen:

1468_3200229940607_330509546_n

Paradise Lost! – Joke


Seal of the United States Internal Revenue Ser...

Seal of the United States Internal Revenue Service. The design is the same as the Treasury seal with an IRS inscription. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some very bad news… Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our VISA and MasterCard bills yet?” … “No, sweetheart,” she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?” “Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says. “One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimate check to the IRS this quarter?” he asks. “Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.” Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?” Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”
Get more jokes at “funny jokes & pics “

Famous Last Words! – Joke


An early electric chair. Richeson was executed...

An early electric chair. Richeson was executed in an electric chair on May 21, 1912. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent,” They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell you right now, you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

Get more jokes at “funny jokes & pics “

Grandmas Are Great! – LOL


English: Mrs. John Wheeler Leavitt. Portrait b...

English: Mrs. John Wheeler Leavitt. Portrait by Philadelphia artist Cecilia Beaux of her grandmother Mrs. John Wheeler Leavitt (nee Cecilia Kent) of Suffield, Connecticut. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From thundersex on ExperienceProject.com:

 
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter

from his grandmother asking him to send her a

current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a

Nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent

the bottom half of the photo. He’s really worried but

then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is,

and hopes she won’t notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his

Grandmother, It says: “Thank you for the picture.

Change your hairstyle… It makes your nose look too short.”

Love,
Grandma

Just Tazing! – Joke


wrestling legend hulk hogan

wrestling legend hulk hogan (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From “funny jokes & pics “:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home… I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

High School Reunion? – Joke


Morgan Park Academy

Morgan Park Academy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From “funny jokes & pics “

I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however,Ii quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.. After he examined my teeth,I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. ‘Yes. Yes, I did!’ he gleamed with pride. … ‘When did you graduate?’ I asked. He answered, ‘in 1975. Why do you ask?’ ‘You were in my class!’, I exclaimed. He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GREY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-B!TCH asked me: ‘What did you teach??:)


OOPS!!!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,862 other followers

%d bloggers like this: