Category: Jokes


High School Reunion? – Joke

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May 22, 2013
Morgan Park Academy

Morgan Park Academy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From “funny jokes & pics “

I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however,Ii quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.. After he examined my teeth,I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. ‘Yes. Yes, I did!’ he gleamed with pride. … ‘When did you graduate?’ I asked. He answered, ‘in 1975. Why do you ask?’ ‘You were in my class!’, I exclaimed. He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GREY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-B!TCH asked me: ‘What did you teach??:)


OOPS!!!

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Two Beggars – Joke

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May 9, 2013

From  cheleshere on Experience Project:

 

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One held a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people passed by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar holding the Cross.

The Pope came by and stopped to watch the number of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross, while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. The Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit here with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just to prove a point.”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turning to the beggar with the Cross, said, “Moshe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

Snopake's Star of David

Snopake’s Star of David (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

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Blonde Football – Joke

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May 2, 2013
Quarterback Shaun Carney rushing Français : Le...

Quarterback Shaun Carney rushing Français : Le Quarterback Shaun Carney sprinte en portant la balle. Italiano: il quarterback Shaun Carney scatta portando la palla. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

From“funny jokes & pics “

 

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”

 

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Little Johnny – Joke

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May 1, 2013
The other ice cream cone picture is currently ...

The other ice cream cone picture is currently the most popular one on my flckr account. Here’s a view of the whole sign. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

From “funny jokes & pics “

 

Teacher: “Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”

Little Johnny: “None.”

Teacher: “Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”

Little Johnny: “None.”

Teacher: “Can you explain that answer?”

Little Johnny: “One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left.”

Teacher: “Well, that isn’t the correct answer, but I like the way you think.”

Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I ask a question?”

Teacher: “Sure.”

Little Johnny: “There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?”

Teacher: “The one sucking the cone.”

Little Johnny: “No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think.”

 

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Sailors – Joke

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April 27, 2013
English: Genie lamp, oil lamp, Aladdin's lamp,...

English: Genie lamp, oil lamp, Aladdin’s lamp, lamp of gin, jin, jinn, Alladin, Aladin (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From  thesower on Experience Project:

Two sailors were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men came across a little lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of the castaways, a genie appeared.
This particular genie, however, stated he could only give one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving too much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean beer.”
The genie, clapped his hands with deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished, only the gentle lapping of the beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After, a long, tension filled moment, he said, ” Good go mate. Now we are going to have to pee in the boat.”

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What Is Politics? – Joke

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April 25, 2013
Government spending

Government spending (Photo credit: 401(K) 2013)

 

From “Funny jokes & pics”

 

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, meanwhile the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!” :)

 

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Wife Rules The Roost. – Joke

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March 21, 2013
English: Portrait of Charlie Chaplin

English: Portrait of Charlie Chaplin (Photo credit: Wikipedia) Just ask Charlie!

From  climber1 on Experience Prohect:

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’
‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’
‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’
‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’
She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

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Engineers Joke

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March 19, 2013

From  livingfortoday on Experience Project:

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” & i chose this bike…..

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice Man… the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you!!

Reply from an engineer:
goliathtree:
I am here to tell you that as an engineer, I am highly offended. Why were they walking across campus when he had a bike? God! I hate fake stories!

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Don’t Mess With Senior Citizens! – Joke

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March 9, 2013
English: Hotel / Casino New York-New York in L...

English: Hotel / Casino New York-New York in Las Vegas. Français : L’hôtel-Casino New York-New York à Las Vegas, dans le Nevada. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Buckle up, Bitches:

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.

Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.

She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with senior citizens….. They didn’t get there by being stupid.

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Italian Wedding Night! – Joke

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February 26, 2013
63rd Tony Awards

63rd Tony Awards (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From The World According to Atlas :

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.” So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.” “Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.” So, up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!” … “Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.”
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”
“Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother. “This is a job for Mama.”
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The Councillor. – Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 1 Comment
February 22, 2013
Marriage Day

Marriage Day (Photo credit: Fikra)

From IdleWanderer on Experience Project:

After just a few years of marriage , filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

“What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5…10…15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

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Forgot My Glasses! – Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 3 Comments
February 22, 2013
Parachute Ride

Parachute Ride (Photo credit: hmerinomx)

From “funny jokes & pics “ :

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Talking about my “doing something useful” seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
…
She said, “Are you nuts? You’re almost 72 years old and you ‘re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, “Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

“I’m in trouble again, and I don ‘t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week.” I told her.

She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

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Is There Sex After Death? – Joke

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February 21, 2013
Golf_Course

Golf_Course (Photo credit: shoebappa)

From “funny jokes & pics “ :

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: “Sue……….Sue…”

“Is that you, George?”
…
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful!? What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

“Oh, George, are you in Heaven?”

“No, I’m a rabbit in Kansas .”

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The Gunfighter – Joke

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February 13, 2013
From boatwright.deviantart.com

From boatwright.deviantart.com

From Rapolis on Experience Project :

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized  an  elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The  cowboy took a place next to the  old-timer, bought him a drink  and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot…

‘Could you give me some tips?’ he asked.

The  old man said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high – tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’

‘Sure will ‘

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

‘That’s terrific!’ said the cowboy. ‘Got any more tips?’

‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw’

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.

‘You bet it will,’ said the  old-timer.

The young  man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano  player.

‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat  your gun with it.’

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.’

‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.

‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up right up your arse, and it won’t hurt as much.

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PERFECT PUNISHMENT! – Joke

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February 13, 2013
St. Peter Tempera on wood, 312x105x4, Russian ...

St. Peter Tempera on wood, 312x105x4, Russian Museum, Sankt Petersburg (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Funny Jokes and Pictures :

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
…
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.” Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?” The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

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The Perfect Man. – Joke

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February 13, 2013
English: A London Cabbie. London, UK

English: A London Cabbie. London, UK (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From ronanp on Experience Project:

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said,
“Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian”
Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody’s birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me.
I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out.
But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too.
He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow.
How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian.

He died. I’m married to his fucking widow.”

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Terrible Case of CDS!

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 2 Comments
February 11, 2013
Sealandic stamps

Sealandic stamps (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My friends,

I need help! I have been diagnosed with severe case of Cuddle Deprivation Syndrome!
I’ve taken to hugging lampposts, even unilluminated ones, and wonton, unnecessary licking of used postage stamps.
To seek professional help seems a trifle undignified and could possibly be misconstrued and might also be illegal. I am in a leftover pickle and some sweetness is required.
Could I possibly solicit the aid of a member of the opposite *bleep*, who has sufficient mammary qualifications for a dose of the milk of human kindness?

Your suffering servant,
Ralphie.

P.S.: Philatelists, please abstain!

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Life Explained – Joke

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February 7, 2013
Dog sunny Day Afternoon

Dog sunny Day Afternoon (Photo credit: allert)

From Boxersoff4u on Experience Project:

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘ Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform.  How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

‘Eat, sleep, play , marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’

But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

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Talking About Sex In Public? – Joke

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February 6, 2013
Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'...

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Sexual Fantasies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From 1petitegreeneyes on Experience Project:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly.

“In this country … we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives …

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

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Married Life. – Joke

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February 6, 2013

images

From FB~ Troublemakers:

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to ‘Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin’.

‘What?’ said the puzzled groom.

‘How can that be possible if you’ve been married ten times.?’

‘Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .

Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was … God I miss him.

‘But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited’. ‘Wonderful’, said the husband, ‘but why? To which she replied, ‘You’re with the ‘GOVERNMENT‘ . .. This time I KNOW I’M gonna get SCREWED.

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Breastfed! – Joke

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February 3, 2013
Happy

Happy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From mewold on EP:

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the  doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.  The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.   ‘Breast-fed, ‘ she replied..  ‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.  Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,  ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’ ‘I know,’ she said,  ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’

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Eureka, Smelled It! – LOL

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January 31, 2013

I finally found what I wonna be in life, I’m gonna be an ancient poo researcher and I’ll have you know that it’s the poo that’s ancient! Apparently there’s a bird called the Kakapoo and on analysing his poop, researchers found why it’s more or less going to hell, because it eats the seed of the Hades plant(that and not going to church of a Sunday). The results for the urine sample of the Peepeewee bird are still out. Isn’t it all fascinating!? Now I just have to find a university that gives crap courses.

I bet there are some folks out there, who think I’m full of it. To prove them wrong, I shall now show the picture and the article on which I have based this life-turning decision:

From I fucking love science

From I fucking love science

The kakapo is a large, flightless parrot native to New Zealand. Sadly, today these beautiful birds are incredibly endangered and there are only 126 left in the wild.
Recently, researchers studying ancient poo samples (yes, that is a field of research) found that about 900 years ago kakapos ate large amounts of pollen from a root parasite known as “Hades flower”. Today, that plant is also incredibly rare and the two organisms are not found together, which suggests a rather interesting conservation link – was the kakapo responsible for pollinating the Hades flower?
Pure speculation of course, but very interesting nonetheless.

Story via ScienceAlert, more information here: http://bit.ly/XiZM3U

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Banana Split – Joke.

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January 28, 2013
Banana split

Banana split (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From Mediamira Maral :

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.   The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

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Incidents of Criminal Obtuseness! – No Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 3 Comments
January 25, 2013

This is my favourite from “The 35 Dumbest Things Ever Said on the Internet“: (Click to see them all!)

From buzzfeed.com

Defies belief! – From buzzfeed.com

Some of the pictures show a button for ‘reporting abuse’, they should put one for reporting obtuseness instead. It’s mind-boggling, folks!

I just had to add this one from the A Daily Thought site:

att00034

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Temperatures! – Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — Leave a comment
January 21, 2013
English: The White Hope of the Russians. A WWI...

English: The White Hope of the Russians. A WWI-era cartoon utilizing the Russian Winter stereotype. (The Russians soldiers are mistakenly shown holding the Cross of St. Andrew (naval flag) instead of the usual three-color flag.) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From my friend Ricki:

:+18 C People from Hawaii put on the second blanket
+10 C People from Helsinki turn off their heating system
+2 C Italian cars don’t start
0 C Distilled water freezes
-1 C Expiration becomes visible. Russians eat icecream and drink cold beer
-4 C Your dog jumps in the bed with you
-10 C French cars don’t start
-12 C Politicians begin to talk about homeless persons
-15 C American cars don’t start
-20 C You can hear the breathing
-24 C Japanese cars don’t start
-28 C Your dogs jumps in your pijama
-29 C German cars don’t start
-30 C All normal cars don’t start
-36 C Russian cars don’t start
-39 C Russians button up their shirts
-50 C The car jumps in your bed
-60 C People from Helsinki freeze. Russians button up their coats.
-72 C Lawyers put their hands into their own pockets
-120 C Alcohool freezes. Russians get mad
-273 C Absolute zero. All the particles stop moving. The Russian licks frozen vodka.

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Blonde Man Jokes!

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — Leave a comment
January 16, 2013
blond

blond (Photo credit: vistavision)

From Boxersoff4u on Experience Project:

A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.” The blond guy then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
————————————

Two blonde men found three grenades, and they decided to take them to a police station. One asked: “What if one explodes before we
get there?” The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
————————————

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the doctor. “No!” he shouts, “this is  her husband!”
————————————

A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?” He does, but two weeks later
the dog is still missing. “What did you put in the newspaper ad?” his wife asks. “Here boy!” he replies.
————————————

(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do scuba divers always dive backwards off their boats?”
To which the blonde man replies: “If they dived forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

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Hamster Diagnosis – Joke.

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — Leave a comment
January 12, 2013
Una hembra de hamster ruso

Una hembra de hamster ruso (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From thesower on Experience Project.

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead.
Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with his nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet, “Your hamster is dead.”
Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.
The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat.
The cat jumps on to the table and looks at the hamster up and down  for a few minutes before looking up and shaking its head.
“It’s definitely dead sir,”  says the vet.
Convinced , the man en quires how much he owes.
“That will be a $1000, please.”
“A $1000 just tell me to tell me my hamster is dead,” fumes the man.
“Well,” says the vet, “There is my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan.”

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Priest Sipping Vodka – Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 2 Comments
January 11, 2013
Petrus Canisius

Petrus Canisius (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From http://www.thejokeyard.com/

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”

12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry,”

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s!

 

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A Blonde in the Woods. – Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — 1 Comment
January 11, 2013
A sweet chestnut forest in the swiss alps(Ticino)

Chestnut – Wikipedia

Beware the Trees!

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. “Ma’am, is there a reason that you’re weaving all over the road?”

The woman replied, “Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!”

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, “Ma’am… that’s your air freshener.

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Donations??? – Joke

Filed under: Jokes by raburcke — Leave a comment
January 10, 2013
English: US Capitol, Washington DC, the seat o...

US Capitol, Washington DC, the seat of government for the United States Congress. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From ronanp on Experience Project.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.  Nothing was moving.  Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.  Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks.

The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

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