Ralphie´s Portal

Image by Portland Center Stage via Flickr

Once upon a time, there was ´the Word´,which we won´t talk about because it´s forbidden. Now Bud,on the other hand, is a name we can use. He said: “Why is it so bleedin´dark around here?” He kept banging his head against the word, which is to say against himself. He felt a bit like a goldfish in a bowl or a fool in a mirror palace. You´d have to be a fool to go to a mirror palace, if it´s pitch dark.

Then he sang: “Let there be light!”. The light came on so suddenly and with such a loud bang, that it scared the be-jeezus out of him. Incidentally, that´s how Junior was born, but we´ll keep that for the sequel. He inserted dawn and dusk and that was a lot better. This creation business wasn´t so bad after all.

He got to thinking about all the things he wanted to create and he decided to create a clipboard and pen and paper first, to make a list, so he wouldn´t forget anything. After writing for a couple of eons though, he got bored and then… He created…ME!!MYSELF AND I!! The not-so-holy trinity all wrapped up in yours truly: the Lord´s High Scribbler.

I immediately convened a committee and I chaired it and I was unanimous about everything. Contrary to popular opinion, the first job ever was that of bureaucrat. I must admit that, at first, my squiggles were a bit squabbly, but I soon got the hang of it. This whole caper was supposed to take six days(yes six)but because of all the red tape it took six zillion years. To start with, there was this endless list to make and then he had to sing everything(the whole universe down to the minutest detail).

In the middle of it all, he got a sore throat and that´s how Dutch got created. After all this time, it got so much on my nerves that I shouted: “Oy Bud!!” He was so surprised that he stopped and asked “What, Ralphie?”. It was then that I made my greatest contribution. I shouted: “Let there be silence!!!”

And amazingly there was. That´s why Sunday or the Shabbat or whatever, was originally called: ´Ralphie´s day´, but some twat changed it after a couple of eons, robbing me of my greatest achievement. We live in some dastardly times, my friends. Although, it could be that Bud intended to rest after the sixth day anyway, but that’s neither here nor there is it?

I have some news for you people. You probably think that heaven is full of bliss, a place filled with grace and tranquility. And everyone is all lovey-dovey. Nothing could be further from the truth. When you´ve been very good boys or girls all of your lives, you may get there. But then you´ll see that in actual fact, it´s wall-to-wall filing cabinets. You´ve probably been wondering since you were children: whatever happened to ´la plume de ma tante´? Search no more! They´re all over here waiting for you. When or if you get here, you can start scribbling and filing for the rest of eternity, with all the rest of us.

At the minute, we´re having some unrest over here on account of the problems that have arisen over the rice. Now rice is yummy. Don´t get me wrong. But after several zillion years of eating the stuff every day, we´re all sick and tired of the stuff. We have all laid down our ´plumes´. We demand some diversity in our eternal diet. We see all of you having potatoes and spaghetti and couscous and such, when we´re stuck with just the rice. Bud has refused to budge. “It´s tradition”, He says. We say: “Stuff tradition, we want spuds!”

I strongly recommend any newcomers to report to their union representatives. Mister Patrick O´Ralleigh is in charge of the spuds committee. Before I go any further, I would like to have a word with you on Mr. O´s behalf. He´s asked me to help him get a gross misnomer out of this world and the next. I´ve helped him look all over Erin and the both of us are adamant, that there is not a single rice paddy anywhere to be seen. So why does everyone call them paddies? It´s patties! As in potatoes or as in Patrick.

I have some news on the anthropo-logical front aswell. Remember Eidjipt? Those big piles of stone rubble over there? You all think that they´re gigantic sarcophagusses. NO! they´re just gargantuan piles of writing tablets, stone ones. Though the occasional Fairy might have gotten lost in a few of them. And the obelixes? Simple! Just big stylusses, pens. Ralphie, the greatest living Eidjiptologist, tells you this.

I sometimes wonder, if these are just pearls for Miss Piggy?! A-ny-way: all will be revealed in good time. We have to get back on track. By the way, do you know how the old Israelites called their spiritual teachers? RAB-bi. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. I shall say no more! By Ralphie A Burcke!!!

This is a series of stories, which are in sequence. You should start by reading the first one: Introducing Bud!

To view all the stories of the Holly Bbibble, just click on this name at the top of the site’s home page!