Ralphie´s Portal

He decided to make a second batch, in my image this time, because he couldn´t stand to create them completely bald. The second batch he called Dummies or scientifically Homo Erectibus Estupidicus. This was, of course, because the wisdom had been lost. He stuck to four shades: pale, red, black and yellow, with more or less the same attributes and characteristics as the first batch, minus most of the hair. Green and purple were still around somewhere but nobody could see them. And he ran out of orange dye.The matey boys, for some reason, were self-taught.

The Dummy, on the other hand, not to put to fine a pont on it, was as thick as pig shit. We even had to garden-train him. You know: to pee or not to pee and to shit or not to shit. Or more exactly, when and where to do this. One of my great-great-grand nephews Willie Shakes-a-pear had a saying like that. This Dummy didn´t even have to do a lot. The chickens fried themselves and flew straight into his mouth. They was little ones. You couldn´t have a six pound chicken fly into your gob and not get asphyxiated. The idea was no give him nourishment, not to exterminate him.

Some of the fishes grew wings and flew straight onto his frying pan. This was a pan that was left behind by the P.M.s, right on top of a very little bubbling volcano. Which came in very handy. Bees dropped off part of their honey on his hands. There was a spring that overflowed with tasty nectar. He just had to reach out his hand, to reach the fruit of any tree.That is…except for the apple-tree. Bud had decreed that apples were a symbol of the lost wisdom and were therefore out-of-bounds for everyone. No exceptions. And if they were to break this rule, he would have no option but to introduce them to a very grim gentleman indeed.

But boy was this dummy stupid. All he ever said was “Hunhh”. To think that the beautiful English language, that you all speak, started with “hunhh”. Bud tried an experiment: he would let the dummy name all of the plants and animals, etc…Was that ever a bad idea! After hearing that everything was called ´Hunhh´, he called it off. A-ny-way: the dummy didn´t do a lot. All he did, was stare at his right-hand thumb, to begin with. This went on for ages. At one time Bud wanted to call the whole thing off. But I convinced him to go on with it, because it was too much fun to watch.

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And then, at long last: movement…an epiphany!  The dummy started twiddling his thumb. At first in a clockwise rotation and after a long, long time in a anti-clockwise rotation. After that he noticed some sausage-like appendages next to his thumb. Bud said: “Yes Dummy, they´re fingers!”. But they didn´t interest him. Then he discovered his left thumb. Now he looked as if lightning had struck him. Two of them!! Which one to play with? A choice had to be made, a decision! This was too much for him and he fainted.

We revived him with cold water but he fainted again. Bud had an idea! We revived him again and put one thumb in his mouth and the other one in front of him to look at. Bliss!! The dummy was in heaven. Well, he was wasn´t he, more or less. One day Dumb-dumb had an apostrophy, or it might have been an epiphany: he could switch thumbs to put in his mouth. This was a big step in his very slow learning curve. He explored all his other orifices. Nostrils, ears were ok. Eyes: Auch! Next he tried the other end, but that was disgusting. Bud stepped in then. This wasn´t on! He showed him how to wash himself, at the same time.

Inevitably, one day he noticed his willie. What was that? Oh, yes, he pissed with that(it didn´t yet serve any other purpose then). But it did look a bit like a third thumb. More decisions. When he tried to put it in his mouth, however, he found that he couldn´t reach it. He started crying and for a long time was inconsolable.

Who was to find him in a deserted corner but a dog. It took pity on him and licked his tears from his face. No one had ever done this for Dumb-dumb before. He liked it. He had a friend. When d-d stopped crying the dog started licking its privates. This caused a storm in Deedee´s brain: why can he do that and not I? He dragged the dog over to Bud and mimed the whole incident. Followed by a very angry “Hunhh??!!” Bud tried to explain that he´d done this on purpose, because there would later on be a further use for the willie but Deedee didn´t understand.

So Bud sent him away with the time-honoured saying: “You´ll understand when you grow up!” Though that day might never come!? He learnt to accept what you can not change. The dog taught him a lot of things. Mainly because he was a lot smarter than him. He also knew more about friendship than Deedee would ever know. He also taught him to bury a bone and why. “Waste not want not.” and “A pear for a rainy day.” All this and more, is why the dog will be forever more, man´s best friend. But the main reason is of course that they bonded over their respective willies.

Bud is a bit like a forgetful professor sometimes. Hence the need for the list I´m scribbling and this manifest I´m writing. He´s also a bit of a dodderer when it comes to chronology. He sometimes forgets that you need to put all the steps of a certain plan in their logical order. Or you end up with a complete mess, as you will see shortly. Bud called Doodah over and gave him a command: “Go and fornicate!”, he said. The dummy got a hard-on and whizzed away looking for something or someone to fornicate with. Things got a bit out of hand.

After a while all the animals turned up on Bud´s doorstep en mass with a petition. They screamed: “Lord, you have to stop this lunatic! He´s been looking at our missuses in a funny way. We have had to lock up our wives and daughters. This can not go on!” Bud agreed and called Doodah over and told him: “Sorry son, I seem to have overlooked something.” Next he yanked out one of the dummy´s ribs, a floating one(he didn´t really need it). This really hurt. This surprised me, I´d never figured Bud for an aggressive one.

He spat on the rib, said: “Abraca-Duma-est!” and a Booby Being of the human variety was born, named Duma(feminine of Dummy). The Dummy went: “Whoah man!” , I said:”You ain´t kiddin´!”and Bud said: “Exactly dummy, that´s called a woman. Make sure you cherish and love her always because she is a part of you. Never hurt her, because you would only be hurting yourself.”

To Duma, he said:”Woman, it´s your job to take care of this dummy and stand by him always. Even though it might prove difficult at times. Now skat, go and begat! And remember: When you two are joined in love, you will be more than your individual parts.” And off they went into the sunset to do their thing, leaving a crowd of mightily relieved animals, who all went home.

This is a series of stories, which are in sequence. You should start by reading the first one: Introducing Bud!

from animeyume.com

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