Ralphie´s Portal

from geektyrant.com

I was watching a cartoon(yes, yes, I watch them! Don’t you?), where some robot was complaining about not being able to feel. Of course, my zany brain immediately reversed the situation: what if I didn’t? I could see some advantages to this, to tell you the truth.

I wouldn’t have to worry about having my heart broken ever again! As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t have to worry anymore, period. I would never be bored again, because the very concept of boredom would not compute. No more disillusions or unfulfilled dreams and desires. This is starting to sound better and better, the more I think about it! No more need for sleep, just flip the switch.  Hold on a minute! I would want a timer and I myself would decide when I would be switched on or off, protected by an electrocution device, hahah!

This brings me to my next topic of a remote control for human beings. Imagine the fun you could have with one of them! This would be a great improvement for marital conflicts, would it not? If the hubby or the missus is bugging you, switch him or her off. Oh, and the possibilities of a mute-button on that remote, heavenly! Yes ladies,… I’ll say no more(nudge, nudge, wink, wink to the lads!)

Or at work, when your boss wants to give you a bollocking… Do you think that he would mind terribly, if you pressed his mute-button? Why not turn him off all together? The place would run much more smoothly without him anyway, hey!!??

Then there are the people who you only need once in a very great while. Didn’t old Bill know something about that particular phase of the project? Where is he? He’s in the cupboard, I’ll go and switch him on! And there are those individuals of whom you wish that you could throw away the remote, preferably in the waste disposal unit, for evermore. Oops, did I do that?

You wouldn’t have to learn anything ever again! You could just get the upgrade installed, easy peasy. After a while, you might want to get a little trolley go drag your extra memory along with you though, that would be a bit of a nuisance. What am I worrying about, everything is getting smaller and smaller, scratch the trolley!

If someone REALLY annoyed you, you could give them a present of a nice computer virus that gave them the software equivalent of Tourette’s syndrome, causing them to use the F-word in the most inappropriate of circumstances. At their wedding, say! Do you Alfred take Mildred to have and upgrade every so often? F-you!

You could install SPAM-filters to filter out obnoxious people’s incessant nattering! You could friend and unfriend someone at a click! What, you forgot my birthday!? *UNFRIEND!* Zap! Never mind, you can always “friend” them again, once you’ve cooled down, but I bet they would have gotten the message though. One thing is certain, you would never have to ask anybody where your remote was! You’d make damned sure it was in your possession at all times.

The ladies would have no more need for headaches! If hubby wants whoopy and you don’t feel like it: “Here, download this and shut up! “

Ooh, what about pirating? You would have human clones and second-rate Chinese drafts of them! You know, the ones that you can pick up for a pittance, dodgy business this! Are you my real husband or a pirate? Why, it’s me Mildred, your Alfred and by the way F-you! Ah, it is you, Alfie! Come let me hold you tight to my CPU! Welcome to Ralphie’s Zany New World!